Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Corpus Crispy
If all goes according to plan, my still-warm carcass will be whisked off to glamorous Baltimore, where the nice folks at Johns Hopkins will pick it over, plucking out my brain and spinal cord for ALS research.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Wisdom of Forrest Gimp
Now I understand why old people are so obsessed
with their bowel movements. It’s like money or sex:
the less you have, the more important it seems.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Home Run
From a friend:
I have been reading a bio of Mickey Mantle, who often said hilariously crude things (usually to get people to leave him alone). When Yankee management sent out a questionnaire to former ballplayers asking them "What was your most outstanding experience at Yankee Stadium?" Mickey wrote, "I got a blow-job under the right field bleachers by the Yankee bullpen."
He added, helpfully, "It was about the third or fourth inning. I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The Wisdom of Forrest Gimp
It’s exhausting to be completely dependent on others.
Almost as exhausting as having someone
be completely dependent on you.
Bedbound
I woke up sweating in a straitjacket the other night.
That’s what it felt like, anyway. I was lying on my back, arms at my sides, the covers up to my chinny chin chin. When I tried to pull them down, my left arm stirred minimally, the right one not at all. Upright, I can usually use the left hand to help the right, like a child with a retarded sibling, but that night I got nowhere. In fact, the more I squirmed, the tighter the bind. It was like a full-body Chinese finger trap. Then I tried my legs, but they proved equally useless.
I sleep with a button on each side to summon Dan, but with my hands glued to my hips, they were hopelessly out of reach. Fortunately, he awoke on his own and set me free.
That’s what it felt like, anyway. I was lying on my back, arms at my sides, the covers up to my chinny chin chin. When I tried to pull them down, my left arm stirred minimally, the right one not at all. Upright, I can usually use the left hand to help the right, like a child with a retarded sibling, but that night I got nowhere. In fact, the more I squirmed, the tighter the bind. It was like a full-body Chinese finger trap. Then I tried my legs, but they proved equally useless.
I sleep with a button on each side to summon Dan, but with my hands glued to my hips, they were hopelessly out of reach. Fortunately, he awoke on his own and set me free.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"You came out of your mom looking like shit.
She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what
scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
Shit My Dad Says
Bazias, Romania: Bats fly in a cave by the river Danube.(Daniel Mihailescu/AFP/Getty Images)
Source, by way of Riley.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
OMG, Mine Too!
"What's your favorite thing about soccer?" a friend asked her five-year-old granddaughter.
The answer was quick and unequivocal: "The boys."
The answer was quick and unequivocal: "The boys."
Friday, October 01, 2010
Sick Humor
"It's nice to believe that these sicknesses just befall us," she said. "We blame them on our environment and insist that they could happen to anyone, but in truth we bring them on ourselves with hatefulness and negativity."
David Sedaris reads a story from his new collection, beginning at 50:50. (The whole episode is good if you have an hour to spare.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
