Jacquoff

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Word of the Day

slarf

Ostrasized

Losing weight doesn't necessarily mean a smaller size, as a friend revealed yesterday:

I think it's time I shared my giant vagina story.

A curious fact of gynecology is that the skinnier you are, the larger your diaphragm size is. [I got] very skinny in the early 1990s--108 pounds--and I had to have my diaphragm resized. I took the prescription to the local drugstore, dropped it off at the counter, and walked to the other side of the store to read magazines while I was waiting. The drugstore was mobbed, and there was a long line of people snaking past the magazine stand.

There was a mentally disabled man who had worked at the pharmacy for years. His job was to collect prescriptions, call out the names of people when their prescriptions were filled, and do checkout. He had obvious social difficulties, and a booming voice that he didn't seem to be able to modulate.

So I'm standing there reading a magazine when I hear the guy yelling, "Miss [JONES]? Miss [ANN JONES]?" I start walking toward him to get my prescription, but there are so many people teeming around the pharmacy counter that I can only get about fifteen feet away. So the guy spots me and hollers, "You are Miss [Jones]?" I tell him yes. And now everyone standing nearby is listening and looking at me, and a hush has fallen over the store.

"WE'RE SORRY," he says, loud enough to be heard outside the store, "BUT WE DON'T STOCK DIAPHRAGMS IN A SIZE LARGE ENOUGH FOR YOU. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SPECIAL ORDER IT."

Every single person in the drugstore turned around to look at me. I nodded and bolted for our car. [My husband] couldn't stop laughing. To this day, he likes to joke about my GIANT VAGINA.

And you thought buying condoms was embarrassing.

Straight Talk

"Do you want a side of tampons with that?"

From Terri.

Mamma Mia

When Parents Text

MOM: Off to Sarah McLachlamb concert with your dad
ME: haha spell much?
MOM: her voice is like a gentle lamb

From Riley.

Sous Me

Under Paris

I'm surprised there's no mention of the quirky Musée des Égouts, which I recommend. Unless you're claustrophobic.

From Melanie.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Today's Top Story

Display of affection
Every object tells a story and none more so than
the items donated by lovers (and ex-lovers) to
Zagreb's new Museum of Broken Relationships

From Riley.

'Sentimental Sodomy'

Pretty people and pretty things

Things can be made to precisely one's own specification, one's own ideal of beauty; things can be perfect; things, if broken, can be made again; things do not, like boys, betray their owners and run away with handsome sailors.

Thanks to Laura.