Suppositories

Few things incite my scorn as powerfully as the cultural scourge that is Successories*. You know what they are: those godawful tchotchkes, typically framed posters, pairing an eye-catching picture with the "definition" of vision or synergy or some other odious term. The kind of thing you might find in Dubya's office. The epitome of '80s corporate schlock, they're still hanging around like a stale fart.

A brief visit to the Successories Web site just now made my stomach churn and my blood boil. I'm not sure what sickened me more: the Bright Idea acrylic light bulb or the Dare to Soar coffee mug ("Your attitude almost always determines your altitude in life."). If anyone were foolish enough to present me with such a treasure, they'd better have mighty brisk reflexes, because it would come flying back with great force.

Of course, no one ever would give me one. My vision isn't depicted on any poster, and synergy means nothing to me. I don't see life in tired clichés or cheesy sports metaphors. My attitude, by Successories standards, is very poor indeed. I don't Dare to Soar; I'm Determined to Crawl.

Here's my attitude: If you look to posters and mugs for inspiration or motivation -- well, bless your heart, you need far more help than you know. You probably get upset when an elected official misbehaves (see previous post), as if anyone with an ounce of common sense would turn to a politician for moral guidance.

I'm not alone in my disgust. Despair, Inc. offers products that look identical to Successories, but their wisdom is of a decidedly different brand. For example: "Ambition: The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very very badly." And: "Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

A friend recently sent a collection of fake Successories that made me laugh out loud. There are too many to post at once, but I'll add them one by one, starting with my favorite:

* Corporate motto: "Setting the tone for success." Really.