A Hundred and Eighty Stitches

Unearthed! The Justice Department loyalty oath written by Monica Goodling:

I, [state your name], do solemnly swear
On, like, the biggest Bible ever,
Preferably one from Regent University,
That I will faithfully execute my duties
As they're passed down from Karl and Alberto and Monica [Wink at me. Hi!]
And occasionally a late-night phone call from a U.S. senator or representative from my state.
And will, to the best of my ability,
Prosecute any and all Democrats on voter fraud charges,
I mean really grind my boot into their face until they're unrecognizable,
And they need, like, a hundred and eighty stitches in their Democrat heads,
No matter how bogus the charges are,
And they will, trust me, be bogus as hell,
I will go after them, their families, their pets,
Their careers and their friends. I will dig up the bodies of their relatives and mock them,
And I will go through their trash twice a day.
And I will never prosecute people in my own party,
No matter how corrupt they are,
Because that would be like punching my mom in the mouth.
One nation, under, like, the most awesomest God,
A Christian God, of course, evangelical and heterosexual,
And the most awesomest president, George W. Bush.
And one more thing ... I will NEVER breathe a word of this to anyone.
And if I'm ever subpoenaed, I'll print all my emails and then burn them,
So they'll be destroyed for good.
Go, JUSTICE!
Go, JESUS!
Go, BUSH!
Go, REPUBLICANS!
Amen.
Congratulations. You're in.