Ugly Americans

If you heard a sad little whoosh on Tuesday, it was the sound of my last shred of innocence slipping into the humid night.

Until the day before, I'd lived blissfully unaware of MTV's "My Super Sweet 16." But a couple of friends were over, and somehow the topic came up. "You have got to watch it!" said one, though the other warned: "It'll make you despair for humanity." Foolishly intrigued, I had Dan record it that very night, and we watched it the following evening.

My god!

The episode followed Mary, a Mississippi girl, as she prepared for her 16th birthday party, an event worthy of Paris Hilton. The theme was Las Vegas, and Mary, who professed a fondness for entering beauty pageants despite being distinctly homely and none too slender, was determined to look like Barbie. We knew this because she reminded us every few minutes. She even hired a Ken for the occasion.

Mary's parents were in no way responsible for the monster that was their daughter. They only wanted the best for their little girl, which to this point had included several dumpsters' worth of flashy clothes, a $200,000 horse and a new Cadillac for the then-15-year-old, which she promptly wrecked. I'm not sure what was wrong with the first horse, but her birthday presents included another one ($125K), which was presented at the party -- dressed in shiny pink, just like its new mistress, and dusted with glitter. I was dying for it to take a big glittery dump on camera, but no luck.

If you want to witness the splendor for yourself, you can catch it on the show's Web site. You could also replicate the feeling by washing down a carton of Little Debbies with a two-liter jug of Mountain Dew. Same throbbing head and churning stomach.