MJ + Ingmar: 2gether 4ever

No new chariot for this gladiatrix.

Knowing that the officially designated lifespan of a power wheelchair is five years, I'd naively been assuming that I would get a new one more or less automatically when Ingmar reached retirement age. Wrong!

It's a good thing I like this chair, because it turns out I have to wait until: (a) I become so disabled that I can no longer operate it as is, or (b) it develops a problem severe enough that repair would be less cost-effective than replacement. That makes sense from an insurance company's mercenary point of view, but considering how long it takes to get a new chair approved and delivered, I could very well be grounded for months in the interim. Another joyful prospect to contemplate.

The happy discovery was made last week at the ALS clinic. Though they encourage quarterly visits, this was my first appearance in over a year, and more than two years had passed before the previous one. I like to think the scarcity adds to my aura of mystery. So does the incomprehensible speech, although this time I brought my new talking computer.* (At this point, I'm lucky if Dan or Nicole can figure out what I'm trying to say. I weep to think how much trenchant commentary will go unuttered, all that wit and snark lost forever. But perhaps it's time for a kinder, gentler season.)

The morning's other discovery was a miraculous improvement in my breathing. My "professional" team set up an impromptu betting pool in the hallway, none of them guessing that I would score 50 percent. I'd have been more excited had the figure not pinballed over the past five years from the low 50s to the 70s to the upper 30s and now back to 50. There's obviously much room for error - and since I can neither hold my breath nor form a seal with my mouth, despite a long and active fellatial career, I frankly don't know how they get a read at all. Of course, skepticism notwithstanding, I'd rather get a good number than a bad one.

Ingmar, Zap, and I were newer and shinier five years ago.
Well, maybe not shinier.

* Thanks to Pat, Carlos, and of course Jerry.