Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Mark Morford gives his two cents.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
And you thought your siblings were hard on you.
Monday, April 28, 2008
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE CAME FROM THE C-LEVEL GARAGE AND VOMITED ALL OVER THE ELEVATOR LOBBY.
THIS PERSON DID NOT HAVE THE COURTESY TO CLEAN IT UP OR IF NOT ABLE TO, TO AT LEAST NOTIFY THE FRONT DESK.
MANY OF OUR RESIDENTS WERE OVERWHELMED BY THE ODIOUS MESS.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS KIND OF CONDUCT. WE LIVE IN A LARGE COMMUNITY AND MUST ALL DO OUR PART TO MAINTAIN A CLEAN AND PLEASANT ENVIRONMENT.
PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Derek sent me this ad the other day, saying I was the only person he knew who'd appreciate it. I think he was wrong -- not that I'd like it, but that others wouldn't.
I had a remarkably similar experience this morning, when I innocently pushed "rear" and was hit with a blast so powerful it almost knocked me off the seat. Clamping down with white knuckles, I glanced over and saw that the pressure had been turned up to the red zone. The cleaning woman hadn't been here, which left only one culprit: Dan.
He's built an impressive gaslighting repertoire lo these many years, but this ranks among his most creative efforts. A literal reminder to watch my ass around him.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
The latter featured Val Kilmer as a happy-go-lucky blind man and Marisa Tomei as a driven architect who falls in love with him. He's smalltown; she's big-city all the way. She can see; he can't. What could go wrong?
I'll tell you what could go wrong. She could find out about a cutting-edge procedure that might be able to restore his vision. He could be hesitant. She could prevail, only for both to discover that sudden vision can be a mixed blessing. They could both adapt. And then, just as he got his sea legs, he could lose his sight all over again.
I saw it coming a mile away. Maybe I'm too cynical for Lifetime. But you have to love a movie with lines like this gem delivered by Val in the last scene: "I saw the horizon. It's out there. Even though I may not ever be able to touch it, it's worth reaching for. You showed me that."
* Except The Burning Bed, of course, which only had room for Farrah.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
The downside to huge medicine cabinets is their huge mirrored doors.
Mirrors used to be my friends, but now they're ruthless adversaries, mockingly forcing me to face the reality of my sorry condition. I try to avoid them at all costs. Fortunately, my wizened neck can barely support my melon of a head at this point, so the risk is usually minimal. Outside of Graceland, very few floor surfaces are reflective.
I'd grown so complacent, in fact, that as I leaned on my support bar after a shower the other day, waiting to be dried or dressed or something, it took me a moment to realize that the gargoyle I was idly perusing across the way was in fact myself. So hideous, so grotesque was the apparition, I couldn't turn away at first. It looked like a cheap Halloween costume: an unevenly padded suit of flesh the color of Muenster cheese, hanging limply from a wire hanger.
It was the stuff of nightmares.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Setting aside the horror of the situation, just think of the logistics for a moment. Did the imp actually disrobe to do the deed, or did the offending matter somehow work its way out a tiny pant leg? Methinks it had to be deliberate. A purposeful act by a very hostile and angry little person, no doubt just warming up for larger acts of vengeance later in life.
But here's what really troubles me: How on earth could they possibly clean hundreds of balls? Even if they had a good system, the work itself would be delegated to (rightfully) resentful teenagers muttering, "Here we go again." Not a recipe for success, if you ask me.
You might think this would be a rare occurrence, but evidently you'd be wrong.
* IKEA calls it the "ballroom." Isn't that cute? I haven't set foot in a Chuck Me Cheese in about three decades, thankfully, so I'm not sure what term they favor.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
A friend who's quick to defend Matthews suggested I read the profile in last week's New York Times Magazine. It's a revealing glimpse into his self-perception -- interesting to critics and fans alike, I think.
It can be amusing if slightly painful to watch Matthews's facial expressions and body language on the set of ''Hardball'' when others are talking; he will, at times, bounce in his seat like a Ritalin-deprived second-grader who is dying to give an answer but has been admonished too many times for interrupting.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Live and learn. And don't let it happen to you.
* Minus the word heck. I don't think I know anyone who says "heck."
Thanks to Peg for answering this sticky question.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Waugh is pushed on whether he interacts with real people and is asked: "Do you find it easy to get on with the man in the street?" "I've never met such a person." What about on buses or trains? "I've never travelled in a bus and I've never addressed a stranger on a train," he says, testily. The interviewer says surely Waugh cannot go about in a Trappist condition. "The prospect of just being introduced to somebody as just a person, a man as you might say in the street, is entirely repugnant."From Riley.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
[I]n 1976 he launched International Male, a catalog that introduced a revolutionary new aesthetic for gay men. "Prior to that, gay fashion was more effeminate," says Burkard. "There were lots of caftans and froufrou stuff. We came along and butched up the act."
Butch isn't the first word that comes to mind when I think of International Male, but whatever. This hilarious account is immersion journalism at its bravest.
From Michael by way of Marty.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
He starred in a Lifetime original movie* this week as the father of a baby with Down syndrome. He had a nurse take her away, then told everyone -- including his wife -- that she was stillborn. It was riveting.
In the old days, you knew an actor's career was over when he appeared on "The Love Boat." No one ever made it back alive from a Pacific Princess cruise. Metaphorically speaking.
Is there a contemporary equivalent? A Lifetime original movie must be pretty close. Poor Dermot. I hope I'm wrong.
* I know: I should be more concerned about myself, watching Lifetime weepies. It wasn't bad, though. Really.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Little girl: "Look! A mama dog and a baby dog!"
The "mama" dog is 11 years old, the "baby" 13, and both are males, but it seemed churlish to point that out. Likewise the time a very young boy assessed Devo and declared: "Doggie!" Then Zap: "Antie-lope!"
- Budding trees and blooming flowers
- Longer days and warmer temps
- The reappearance of our Republican lobbyist neighbor on his patio, chain smoking, nattering loudly and constantly on the phone, and coughing up what's left of his lungs, all mere yards from my bedroom window
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
The Trabant makes the Skoda look like a Ferrari.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Curiously, this item isn't mentioned among the above. They must have been asleep at the (reinvented) wheel.
Thanks to Riley, Peg, and Derek. Three heads are better than one.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Don't mind if I do.
From practical Peggy.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
The best April fool's joke is the one you unwittingly play on yourself.
Thanks to Terry for disillusioning me. He didn't even gloat.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
As it turns out, I have a number of correspondents -- accomplished and otherwise mature adults -- who unselfconsciously punctuate their emails like nine-year-old girls. :o
It's not just emoticons that get my goat: I despise those stupid instant-message abbreviations. Just the sight of an lol makes me want to put my fist through the screen. Honestly, wtf? If you're too lazy to type it, you can be sure I don't need to read it.
Now the scourge is spreading beyond the keyboard. I've read of efforts, apparently serious, to allow IM "spelling" in the classroom.
And then there are these people, who probably shouldn't be breeding in the first place. They would do well to heed the experts:
Albert Mehrabian, a psychology professor at the University of California who has researched the impact of irregular names, found that "less attractive characteristics were attributed to individuals with less conventionally spelled names.... Unconventional spelling connoted less masculinity for men and less femininity for women [and] more anxiety and neuroticism were attributed to those with less common names."I think this guy might be onto something:
John Dunford, the general secretary of the Association of School and College Leaders, said that it was possible that new mothers and fathers had lost the ability to spell forenames.
He added: "Some of it is genuine misspelling; some is parents looking for a unique way to spell a name and some is just carelessness."