Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Today's Top Story

"Awash in hairballs, I gathered a bowlful and placed them on top of the piano. Surprisingly, the balls had a lovely appearance that reminded me of oversized white pearls. This was my inspiration for using Gaia's 'toys' in a way that would display my love for this special cat."
From Laurie.
Yesterday’s fear is
Today’s stark reality:
A white hair. Down there.

Heads Will Turn


From Riley.

Kid You Not

I had the following exchange the other day:
Friend No. 1: Did I ever tell you about the list of Toys Nobody Would Buy that the kids and I came up with? We had Tickle Me Hitler and My Little Mussolini.

Friend No. 2: I love it! My kids came up with one for babies, called Baby's First Pincher. They laughed sadistically and pinched each other while making up commercials.

Friend No. 3: Baby's First Hitler would have been better.

Friend No. 1: Well, of course -- I'll never forget my first Hitler.

Friend No. 3: My First Crack Pipe.

Friend No. 1: Ha ha ha ha!

Me: My First Switchblade. My First Chainsaw. My First Speculum. My First Butt Plug. My First Meth Lab. My First Rape Van. My First Taser. My First Chest Freezer.


Friend No. 2: The chest freezer took me a while. I thought it was a sexual thing at first.... But is it for hiding body parts? If so, that's my favorite.


From Kristine.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Overheard in the Holler

Dan: You used to be an exhibitionist.

Michael: I used to be attractive.

Overheard by: Jumpin' Jack Flash
… another brunch ruined by Rodney’s talk of butt plugs.

gay captions

Friday, June 17, 2011

Noteworthy Names

For Beau, who delighted in them.

Penny Nail
Kip Fagg
Skip Alley
Melvina Fish
Cameo Smoot
Maybelle Chitty
Hilda Mae Snoops
Trashard Bridgett
Otto Junkermann
Cletus Junk
Dutch Funk
Elmer Bonk
Beau Bumpas
Yolanda Squatpump
Martin Putzhammer
Mark Anthony Dingbaum
Princessikea Washington
Ducky Loveless
Brindle Swann
Covert Beach
Modest Outlaw
Kitty Stalker
Will Chase
Furland Husky
Ginger Head
Shirley Virgin
Hope Settles
Hans Graber
Tiffany and Crystal Thrower (sisters)
Charger Stone
Dreama Walker
Sky Prince
Rose Guy
Randy Pope
Jason Daters
Virginia Beavers
Jerzee Angel
Fleece McQueen
Nettie Weber
Irene Peace
Paris French
Argon Steel
Dale Hill
Grace Goon
Jay Day
Gene Queen
Greg Craig
Jing and Ying Ming (siblings)
Kitty Whitty
Kerry Carey
Penny Penn
Kimberly Kim
Robert Robertie
George P. George
Anita Nutt
Harry Baals
Sandi Hyman
Peter Thorn
Peter Beard
Peter Hunt
Gay Lust
Bob Goodwillie
Jack Boner
Dick Swing
Dick Super
Dick Fitzhugh
Dick Speight
Susan Lower Dicks
Karen Shwab Cox
Muffin Johnson
Phil Pfister
Seymour Colen
Seymour Weiner
Friend A. Hoar

Elizabeth Tudor
George L. Washington
Ethelene Kennedy
Scott Randolph
Cary Cooper
Shirley D. Booth
Dr. Doris Day
Linda Blair
Stephanie Power
Sean Cassidy
Patty Page
Daryl Hall
Jess Jackson
Kenneth J. Cole
Dr. Feffer
George Jepsen
Mary Virgin

L. Allen Korn, podiatrist
Patrick English, Englishman
Matt Hissey, gay Republican
Hubert Blackman, black man
Savanna Steed, rodeo queen
Sean Bumgarner, homosexual
Joseph W. Husband, husband
Troy Dangerfield, police officer
Humpy Wheeler, NASCAR official
Krystal Ball, Democratic strategist
Robin Mahfood, CEO, Food for the Poor
Beverly Perfect, personal trainer and life coach
Rev. Grant Storms, "Christian patriot" and protester, arrested for public masturbation

Rev. Dr. Tyrone Petty
Rev. Dr. James Mook
Maryann Sumi, judge
Filet Minyon, Marketing Executive, Mission Possible "Debt-free Living"

Thanks to everyone who contributed.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Beau Idéal

I lost an old friend the other day, one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever known. He'd been jousting with leukemia for three and a half years, and when it charged back this spring, the doctors had little left to offer.

Beau was one of the first people I met in college, where we lived in the same dorm suite my freshman year, his senior. I knew within days that I was going to like it there, and he was one of the reasons why. Our suite had an unusual makeup: three seniors, a junior, and four freshmen. Some upperclassmen might have ignored or humiliated the tiresome neophytes, but Beau and the others took the opposite approach, befriending us and showing us the ropes. Beau even helped me out of a tight spot on one occasion, extracting me with great difficulty from my muddy riding boots, which had become fused to my feet. The task wasn't made any easier by the fits of laughter that erupted after the first few comical minutes of tugging and contortions.

Beau went on to become a professor of English literature, something he was probably born to do. He fell in love with a handsome doctor, Brian, and they settled in Philadelphia, living a fairly charmed existence until cancer reared its ugly and unwelcome head.

Although I'd only seen Beau once since college -- and many years ago at that -- I felt as close to him as ever, thanks to the Internet and the shared experience of coping with serious illness. As they trudged the rocky path of treatment, Brian kept everyone apprised with updates, an invaluable gift to those of us far away. Through multiple rounds of chemo, a bone marrow transplant, and the inevitable complications, I found myself clinging to each positive development even though -- or perhaps because -- Beau had confided privately that the odds were very poor. When Brian told us they'd entered the final stretch, I was prepared intellectually if not emotionally.

Not surprisingly, Beau set as worthy an example at the end of his life as he had throughout, facing illness and even death with the quiet grace that was his hallmark. I feel privileged to have been his friend.

Photo courtesy B. Meyer

Monday, June 06, 2011

Today's Top Story

Overheard in the Holler

After awakening to a ghastly tableau yesterday morning ...

Dan: I can't believe such a little dog could contain so much shit.

Overheard by: J. Robert Poopenheimer

Source, via HoHo

Conn. Job

A cheerful report from the irrepressible Kay:
Imagine my excitement as I was strolling down the street in New Canaan going to CVS to get prescription for a lovely case of pink eye - goopy, stuck together eyelashes and general itch - and I saw four young Mormon missionaries doing their thing in front of Starbucks. Not exactly a likely spot for them since people who are at Starbucks are hardly likely to give up caffeine and wear funny underwear. I just saw the Book of Mormon - the South Park guys musical about young missionaries in Uganda - so I was primed and ready to be approached. I told them of my excitement at seeing the temple in NY before it was sealed to non-believers, my love of Big Love and all the crazy extremist polygamists who run away and write books about their horrific experiences and my fascination with the concept of sister wives. After I finished with my love of Mormon funeral potatoes and the concept of holy garments they were backing away in horror and looking for another target to convert. I then went into Starbucks, got a venti and lit up a cigarette and watched them approach others. And by the time that fun was over my prescription was ready. A perfect morning.

Slap Happy

Thanks to Peggy and Riley.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Word of the Day


Caveat Empty

'Quick, It's Time to Change!'

Randall, it seems, has many pots on the stove ...

Just Kidding

A recent Facebook thread began with this post:
My friend, writing about his son: "Yesterday he went tearing through the women's undergarment section of Target shouting 'boobies!'"
Among the responses:
True story: a couple weeks ago some friends brought over their sweet autistic kid after her First Communion for a pool party. [When] I took off my shirt the little girl looked directly at my chest and screamed "boobies". One can only smile and dive into the pool immediately.

[Our daughter] always yells "look at all the boobs" at any store there is a bra display. The bad parents we are think this is quite hilarious and make no effort to correct her. We just laugh.

I remember being a little kid in a store, and asking my mother like ten thousand times what the red rubber thing was. She finally said, "It's a douchebag. Now you know everything."

If only that had been the last douche bag you had ever met.

My son had a world class temper tantrum in Target when I wouldn't buy him the Hello Kitty handbag.

When I went shopping with my mom I would pinch all the bras and shout "Honk!"

I once went to visit our nanny when she babysat for another family. Their daughter, age two, ran up and presented me with a photo of her slightly overweight father in a bathing suit. She pointed at his chest in the photo and yelled "Daddy's boobies!"

A Touching Parable