Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Tiny Treasures

Elvis on a pin head? The Statue of Liberty in the eye of a needle?

At first I thought this must be a hoax. But I ran it through Snopes and discovered that it's quite authentic. Talk about visionary art.

Equally colorful but not quite as painstaking is some of the "nail art" on display at the Beauty Asia expo, wrapping up today in Singapore.
So pretty. And so very practical. Miss Swan is mesmerized and speechless.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Literature 101

A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story had to contain the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

The only story to receive an A+ read as follows:
"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Heartland Glamour

Despite all rationality, not to say decency, this is not a joke. So pour yourself a stiff drink -- even better, a Bartles & Jaymes -- and take a little tour. Try to ignore the agonized screaming of your brain; it grows fainter after a while. My favorite is the "maternity boudoir" page.

Meanwhile, back on the East Coast, Annie Leibovitz sobs in her sun-dappled studio.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Ignorance Is Bliss

Until the planet melts, anyway.

Could it really be that 13 percent of Americans have never heard of global warming? It would explain a lot about the continuing appetite for monster cars and houses -- but how, in 2007, is it possible? Especially since the finding was the result of an Internet poll. The irony. The bitter, bitter irony.

Mark Morford weighs in but finds no answers.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Stephen Lynch

P.C. he ain't, but he sure makes me laugh. He's not painful to look at, either.

Some of his best songs:
And there are plenty of others on YouTube.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


White walls aren't for everyone, and neither is Laura Ashley.

The Baltimore home of artist and recovering attorney Timmerman Daugherty is both canvas and gallery. I'm entranced.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The Passion of the Cripple

I ventured out on Sunday for the first time in weeks. Perhaps you caught the coverage on TV. Dan spent half of Saturday chiseling the van out of the glacier that had swallowed it, and we headed into town in near-whiteout conditions.

We had good reason. Friends were treating us to a most excellent joint birthday present: Lypsinka's latest show, "The Passion of the Crawford." If you've never experienced Lypsinka, I encourage you to do so. She's in Wigstock (the full-length 1995 one) if you can't see her live. It's no substitute, but it's better than nothing. Her Web site is also quite entertaining.

For me, the show's highlight was repeated references to a "little cripple lady." I've often called myself Little Wheelchair Girl, but maybe it's time to grow up and be Little Cripple Lady.

The outing provided yet another unnecessary reminder that I'm an urban creature who's out of place in suburbia. At the theater and at dinner afterwards, I gaped like a tourist at the parade of people. The variety of ages and colors -- and especially the vibrancy -- is almost nonexistent out here, and I miss it intensely. Poor Little Cripple Lady, so bored in the 'burbs.

Lost Treasures

"Puberty Pals."


Monday, February 19, 2007

Noteworthy Names

The latest installment from the ever-growing list of names that have caught my attention:

Winston and Elma Dowdy
Benjamin Franklin
Ledoux Elgee ''Boots'' Riggs Jr.
Delmus Gus Laird
Prof. Jefferson Tester, researcher
(Miss) Epiphanny Prince
Patti Burger
Crystal White
Idella Diggs
Turk Huckins
Loretta Dibble
Frances Hunter Fischer
Elaine Hunter Coward
Dawn Deane
Hilton Felton
Carrie Minefield
Abraham Lincoln
Glovenia Bell
Theoria Boone
(Mr.) Vanrex McCullough
Chickie Penrose
Cleave and Pettery Shrewsbury
Summer Shin
Hattie Bullman Spillars
Carrie Swindler
Kelda Fludd
Jasmine Rumph
Fern Field
Gail Wind
Lionella Houser
Diane Sugar Stickler
Elnora Cuffey
(Mrs.) Noretezel McRae Davenport
Twila Jean Morgus
(Mr.) Williebald Brandl
Stance and Denola Beagle
Sandy Hammock
Celestina Midgett
Rose E. Cheeks
Kevin Teets
Tai-Ming Jackson Kwok
Dr. Bonnie Beaver, veterinarian
Ruby Beavers
Mona Beery
(Ms.) Karizma Williams
Lula Mae DeBerry
Fairey Bell Glover
Dawn Hazard
John Holmes
Rosa Dishroom
Badger Russell III
Weymouth Forehand
Christian Mealy
Roscoe "Rip" Van Winkle
Dixie Rader
(Mrs.) Sassi Pyle
Nellie Stinchcomb
Wilbur W. Widicus
Kitty Bean Yancey
(Miss) Wallis Jennings de Pantulf de B.M. Lord
Minerva Iceman
Lisette Booty
JNitta Leach
Dwight and Thelda Crum
Veronica Frostbutter
Colleen "Honey" Glascock
Hattie Tinch
Garnisha Valentine

Saturday, February 17, 2007

"All charming people have something to conceal."
Cyril Connolly

Guilty Pleasure

It's deeply unwholesome, I know, and if I spent hours every day at Crime Library it would probably indicate a need for professional help.

But I don't. In fact, I spend a lot more time watching "Without a Trace" and the countless versions of "Law & Order" and "CSI."

The difference is that the stories on TV are "ripped from the headlines," while these are real. I especially recommend the "notorious murders" section.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Will Manscaping Go Mainstream?


Mark Morford reports on commercial efforts to enlighten straight men about the wonderful world of personal grooming. Philips Norelco even made a surprisingly hip video.

Meanwhile, their long-suffering women wait hopefully, wondering whether the bright light of equality will finally shine on the dark, dense undergrowth of the steamy jungle.

If this does catch on, I hope hetero men don't go overboard the way the gays have. A man with no hair at all looks like an overgrown child, and there ain't nothin' sexy 'bout that.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Space Cadets and Lady Astronauts

While the bathrooms at Texaco stations tend to look like something you might encounter upstairs at one of Whitney Houston's repossessed homes, you'd nevertheless think a woman used to peeing in zero gravity would be adroit enough to navigate her lower lady parts to hover without actually docking with the filthy cigarette-burned, yellowed plastic of a public toilet seat.
Betty Bowers finds dots to connect between Lisa Nowak and Anna Nicole Smith and also asks, "Is rehab replacing Jesus?"

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Bless Their Hearts

We used to play [basketball] in these small towns; the guards were almost invariably named after flowers — there would be Lily, Rose, and Violet. The forwards were always jewels — Ruby, Pearl, and Opal. But it was east Texas, so everybody had two names, you know, like Ruby Jo, or Pearl Ann. And they always wore pink plastic curlers in their hair during the games so they’d look good at the dance afterwards. Meanest women I ever met.
This 1993 speech, delivered at Smith College by Molly Ivins (Class of '66), is among her best work.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Another Angel in Heaven

Must-read tribute here.

Holy Crap

Too bad I didn't know about this place when I did my post on Christian clothiers.

Assuming these folks know their market, today's Christian wears nothing but T-shirts and sweats. And his love of food must be right up there with his love of the Lord, because these natty garments are available in quadruple extra large. Gimme a big ol' hallelujah!

Don't miss the "GymWear" section, three glorious pages of head and wrist bands. I guess when Jesus is on your side, you're prepared for anything. Except perspiration.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Kylie: The Exhibition

London's Victoria & Albert has long been my favorite museum, but evidently it's not immune to lapses in judgment.

"Kylie’s tour outfits are designed to take the audience on a theatrical journey but must be functional for her demanding dance routines."

What's the Word?

I stripped out the terms I recognized from previous versions. The remaining entries seem to have been submitted by hard-drinking, misogynistic Brits.


TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded ADMINISTRIVIA – needless paperwork and processes.

OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake (e.g., you've hit “reply all”).

GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast-food restaurant with no intention of buying food; you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSHIT WITH LIES.

JOHNNY NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence; the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The "no-stars" comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot that when lowering yourself in you go: “Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!”

SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a “black box.”

GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra – i.e., extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Monday, February 05, 2007

Fresh Idea in Undergarments

A wind-breaking innovation for a smelly old problem.

Noteworthy Names

It's a little like poetry when you say them out loud.

John Johnson
Dan Danner
(Mr.) Frosty Hardison
Iva May Fastnaught
Malaysia Ellis
Chonka Gimpel
Myron Exelbert
Jerianne Heimendinger
Solomon Haltiwanger
LuDelle Koerkenmeier
Gary Dunkelberger
Queenie Mae Odom
Lanita Withers
Sharonda Settles
Tyechele Bean
Benjamin Harrison Shrimpy Taylor
(Mr.) Hammie Moye
Fannie Patterson
Harry Perry, Jr.
Julie Pooley
Rodney Riffle
Martez Waddy
Ruth Plouffe
Blanche Pluff
Pegg Poff
Melvaline Tinsman
Jervel and Jeralonza Schools (siblings)
Zelma Gragg
(Miss) Mattie Towles
Patience Hurdle
Norma Sprinkle
Col. Richard H. Lady
Ruby King
Ruby Rippey
Jewella Hicks
Radience Brown
Reamer, Elindra, Thinderene, and Clearness Shedrick (siblings)
(Master) Marquese Dajour Timberlake
Judge N. Williams
Prunella Durham St. John
(Mr.) Arlie Hogston
Bunny Black
Grayson Brown
Blanche Green (and daughter Margaret Green Gray)
(Mrs.) Cherry King (and daughter Sharon King Duke)
Stella Mason Walls
Lottie Lee Sparks
Minnie Marge Wagner
(Ms.) Okdellia Slowe
Dr. Peter Hiscock
Etta Pepper
Saxon Songhong Wu
Helen Keller

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Thursday, February 01, 2007

"A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell."
Thomas Fuller

Fighting Force of the Future

When Dubya finally exhausts the military, he'll start calling up able-bodied civilians. And when he runs out of them, he'll turn to the less fit.

Hence this innovation:

Some Kevlar would be nice.