Monday, June 21, 2010

Today's Top Stories

From Peggy, Terry, and Colleen.

Daddy's Girl

When it comes to ridiculous names, I consider JonBenét a classic. The missing space, the superfluous accent, the overall silliness. It's the kind of name dreamed up by people who would enter a little girl in beauty pageants. (In case you spent the mid-'90s comatose, the ill-fated JonBenét Patricia Ramsey was named for her parents, John Bennett and Patricia "Patsy*" Ramsey.)

The Ramseys weren't the only ones to concoct an unfortunate name from egotism and questionable taste. On HGTV the other day, a sweet young girl was introduced as QueJohna Jones. Her mother's name was Que, so one assumes the father's was John. He was out of the picture, but there was a new beau, leaving open the possibility of future QueBabies.

*Whenever I come across that word, I'm transported to childhood, when my grandmother would occasionally declare, "I'm not your patsy!"

Noteworthy Names

Sandy Mudd
Sandy Rhodes
Penny Lane
Joy Hunter
Judy Long Speer
Mary Young
Mary Rich
Heidi Story
(Miss) Classie Duke
Spring Turner
Holly Budd
Rosa Flowers
Florrie Flowers
Poppy Browning
Rosemary Fish
Anita Booth
Willida Sweet
Retina Toomer
Carrie Stone
Errand Chapman
Trampas Stamper
Everleaner Wall
Hub Krack
Dawn Lynch
Goodluck Jonathan
Angel DeJesus
Angel Mudd
Wolfgang Pansi
Bob Corker
Buzz Fedorka
Kiki La Roux
Rosie Funches
Lola-Jo Lumpkins
Acquanetta Brown
Goldie Brown
Ginger Katz
Virginia Beans
Jean Beans
Lily Vanilli
Larry Arey
Mary Berry
Bill Brill
Cheryl Sherrell
Louise Lewis
Daron Doran
Gary T. Gray
Dave E. David
Worm T. Worm
Dolly Dimple
Dickie Duckett
Jackie Jolley Jester
Hunny and Bunny Feller (twins)
Minnie Assmus
Lotta Lotass, PhD
Conan Rimmer
Dick Pountain
Dick Nutt
Richard Head
Peter Cheape
Beau Wang
Candy Cox
Jack Seed
Amber Cummings
Marilyn Brown Furbush
Goldie Hoes
Starr Hooker
Dawn Sappho
Ella Biggadike
Diamond Queen
Tiara Gripper
(Mr.) Pearl Fryar
Fleetwood Loustalot
Solomon Onassis-Atwater

Charles E. Dickens
Robert O. Frost
Woodrow R. Wilson
Franklin Delano Williams
Queen Elizabeth Beckford
Glenn Ford
Nancy Walker
Walter I. Johnson
John Davidson
Charlie Brown
Bobby Brady
Buck Rodgers

George Forrest, botanist
Bolitha J. Laws, judge
Grant Woolhead, fashion director
Doug Fang, humane society board member
Nicky Welfare, public assistance recipient
Charles H. Doom, Jr., Baptist bishop

Shan Cretin, professor
Don Ripper, picture framer
Martin Tickle, dental surgeon
David Goodenough, neurologist

Thanks to everyone who contributed.
A young girl holds up a piece of cardboard to ensure that her mother cuts
her fringe straight, circa 1955. (Sherman/Three Lions/Getty Images

From Riley.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

A friend reports:
I am in a house with broken air conditioning, with my in-laws (actually, it might just be hell and I'm unaware of it). At brunch (there were 12 of us) my father-in-law waited until everyone was getting up from the table, then collected the half-finished cups of lemonade and orange juice from around the table and proceeded to drink them all. I would suspect mental illness, but am confident the real reason is cheapness.

From David.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Today's Top Stories

From Colleen.

Blank Expressions

"Why don't you come to my crib after school,
and I'll make your pinky all stinky."

From Marty.

The Late Show

More recent favorites from Sleep Talkin' Man:
"They're not love handles. No. I've got love impact protection barriers."

"You wanted to be WHAT when you grow up? Boy, you must be SO disappointed the way your life turned out. So sad."

"Your blue sky thinking is blighted with dark clouds of piss-poor ideas."

"Check out that crab, and his oh-so-sideways attitude. Dipshit. No one's impressed."

"Back off, Robin. Batman is my bitch now. You're just a bitch's bitch, bitch."

God Help Us

From Kristine.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Today's Top Stories


Psychic Friends Network

My laptop wallpaper is a picture of Zap. I often talk to it as I start up or shut down the computer.

Yesterday morning I lamented: "I miss my lady's companion. Nobody hangs out with me anymore."

A moment later, Devo padded quietly into the room, jumped onto the bed, and lay down against my leg.

'But Hello ... What's This?'

"A wretched harridan intent on disrupting this bliss by confusing
the young woman with puzzling notions of carpets and beans."

From Alan.

Try This at Home

It is well known that one of the secrets to a long-lasting relationship is continually fending off boredom. To keep things interesting, why not buy your significant other a Kong toy? Stuff some bacon in there and let the fun begin!
From Laurie.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Today's Top Story

From Riley.

Twit and Twisdom

I like to give a thumbs up when people
post bad news on their Facebook status.

Amazon just told me that the people who bought
the books I bought also recommend killing myself.

If I was Obama, I'd pretend to accidentally say "Ax not
what your country can do for you" just to watch it go viral.
Jordan Rubin
"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck.
So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck,
it's not that important, so relax."
Shit My Dad Says

Correspondence Coarse

I feel like I know this guy.

From Pat.

Overheard in the Holler

Mom: You were never good at that as a child. You would always gag.

Me: (Sly smile.)

Get your mind out of the gutter. She was talking about swallowing pills.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Today's Top Story

From Kristine.

What She Said

I knew when I posted this that a lot of people would read it as: blah blah blah hospice blah blah blah die blah blah blah six months. What I didn't expect was that one of them would be a friend I made near the beginning of the journey, someone who's had ALS as long as I have and whose progression has more or less paralleled mine.

I told her the same thing I told everyone else: Relax. I'm not planning to check out anytime soon. Just wanted to keep you apprised.

What about you? I asked. How are you doing?

I could have written the response myself:
I’m fine really. Not much change for me either and I feel good although I look a wreck. Very skinny arms, legs and neck but fat waistline from sitting in this stupid wheelchair. A big frustration is the amount of time it takes to do everything but I’m thankful to still manage to enjoy life everyday. A very passive life yet quite satisfying, so much so that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I was cured.

Worn Out



Friday, June 04, 2010

Today's Top Story

Between surreal appearances from Wasilla as the caged pundit of Fox News and quick, splashy landings in the lower 48 states, Palin has shown she still has the attention span of a hummingbird on a nectar jag. She does not do basic homework. Never has. The result is a string of endorsements for people whose lives are living contradictions of their stated philosophies.
From Florence.