Saturday, February 27, 2010

Today's Top Story

My vote was for Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich.

"We now return to Robert Mitchum in
Out-of-Shape In-Shape Guy from the Fifties."
Family Guy

Special Assignment

Going without underwear taught me that underwear is the body bag we wear before we die. It taught me that whenever my wife lets me in the same room, let alone the same bed, it's a goddamn miracle. It taught me that koalas aren't the only ones who suffer from koala ass. And most important of all: wet wipes. Alcohol-free. Sensitive skin. With a bracing splash of eucalyptus.
Adventures in sacrifice.

From Peggy.

The Sporting Life

From Derek.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Today's Top Stories


Twit and Twisdom

"Having a stranger move your wet clothing
from a public washing machine to the folding table
is the mildest form of rape."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

Thanks to Terry and Ross.


I've been watching the most appalling show. It's basically "My Antonio" with the genders reversed. I'm only watching because Leighton Stultz is one of the contestants.

New Media

Why use oils and acrylics when you could go with jellybeans or pharmaceuticals?

Sources: Derek, Tabloid Prodigy

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Best Headline

From Colleen.
Crash! Sirens wail! Crash! Sirens silent.

Six Word Stories

Decisions, Decisions

So apparently I'm a bit of a hypocrite ... or at least inconsistent.

From Peggy.

Fuzzy Memories

A friend shared this:
I have a collection of ancient VHS videos, given me by our dentist, of the very, very early episodes of the Barney show. The kids on the show are unattractive and just unbelievably untalented, to such a degree that -- with just a tiny serving of alcohol to get you in the mood -- it almost seems possible to die laughing while watching these. I wish you were all here so we could do just this.

Also, the first Barney costume was this weirdly intense pink color and the dinosaur itself was demonic looking. I'm not exaggerating. I've just Googled to try to find an image of it, but they must have scoured the web and removed all traces of him. My kids used to burst into tears if they saw Early Barney. I think he lasted only a year before they redesigned him.
To which I replied:
One of the strangest professional tasks I ever had was overseeing Snap, Crackle, and Pop at an East Bay shopping mall during a PR event introducing the thankfully short-lived Razzle Dazzle Rice Krispies.

People hired to wear mascot costumes tend not to be A-list actors, and as soon as I arrived I was warned: "Pop and Snap won't give you any trouble, but Crackle's a little sketchy. Keep a close eye on him."

Everything went OK with the older kids -- save the occasional violent delinquent -- but infants and toddlers were invariably terrified of these big, fuzzy cartoon characters with their huge heads and blank eyes. Lots of screaming and tears.
Which prompted this from another friend:
Once I wore a Winnie-the-Pooh suit at Saks Fifth Avenue. This was after I was chosen for their "Teen Board" which they pretended was for us to model their clothes (we had like 2 runway shows, with NO training, and the only people who showed up were our bored parents). But the Pooh suit - they called me in for a job and glossed over the details. It was hot and I couldn't see anything, so I lurched around, tilting my head back to try to get glimpses of daylight through the mouth-hole, which made me a lurching, gazing-at-the-ceiling, fake-model inside a Pooh suit. Children were not impressed. Hey, but it was showbiz.


From Derek.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Smear Campaign

Years ago, I was walking up the street one day on my lunch break when a man caught my eye. He looked like everyone else -- suit and tie, well groomed -- except for a dark streak of schmutz in the exact center of his forehead.

How strange, I thought. He seems totally oblivious. Boy is he gonna be embarrassed when he looks in a mirror.

I was still chuckling a block later when I noticed another guy with the same mark, and then a woman.

What in the hell is going on? I wondered. Has there been an industrial accident? An alien invasion? Eventually a faint bell began ringing in some dim recess of my mind and I figured out that it was Ash Wednesday.

This makes me feel better.

Link from Helene.

Kitties of the Air

SkyMall + kitties = win.

Source, via Terry

Rational Solutions

The original lean cuisine.

From Riley.


From Kristine.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Today's Top Stories

From Colleen.

Encyclopedia Brown

Everything you wanted to know -- and loads more.


The Winds of Fate

A friend reports:
This morning, my son farted in the car. I rolled down the window and my kids shouted, "Why did you let the fart go away?" I told them it was time, and we thought about the wonderful things the fart would do in its lifetime: See the Grand Canyon, drift along the beaches of Thailand... maybe years from now, we'll even turn on the TV and see the fart celebrating New Year's Eve in Times Square with its fart wife and baby farts. My kids mock-sobbed for a while, but agreed it was for the best.
With deepest apologies to Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

No Problem


Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Today's Top Story

From Riley, who has a vested interest in the subject.

Overheard in the Holler

Dan, glaring out window after a fall: Fucking ice! I hate you! I'm gonna kill you.

'A Curious Silence'

Now that explicit anti-gay animus is an albatross, those who oppose gay civil rights are driven to invent ever loopier rationales for denying those rights, whether in the military or in marriage.
From Florence.

Nuts Over Haiti

From a friend who works for an international aid concern:
So, as part of my job I manage the minion who answers emails and letters from the public. (We do, in fact, answer them all, which I find unconscionable.)

Here's one from yesterday that made the rounds. I love everything about it:


Why can't we air-drop peanuts in shells to the starving people recovering from the earthquake in Haiti?

This would keep the gangs from hoarding supplies normally packed into larger containers.

We could blanket the cities with air-drops every 2 hours.

The small size would not injure people hit by the peanuts and the shells require no packing containers.

Water would have to be put in tiny one-ounce plastic bottles surrounded by bubble wrap.


Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Today's Top Story


Word of the Day


From Riley.

'It Starts Here'

The news clip deconstructed.

Source, via Peggy.

No Dumping

People are always confusing coincidence with irony, but sometimes the two collide.

I've never understood roadside memorials. What a ghastly way to commemorate someone you cared about. If you truly want to honor them, why not give money -- or, better yet, time -- to a cause that was important to them? If you feel the need to leave flowers or stuffed animals somewhere, there's always the cemetery. But don't heap them by the road. It's ugly, distracting, and sometimes even dangerous.

Story from Dan.
Oregon, August 1939: Unemployed lumber worker goes with his wife to the bean harvest. Note Social Security number tattooed on his arm. (Dorothea Lange)

Source, by way of Laura.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Today's Top Story

Thomas Frank says that whatever disadvantaged Americans think they are voting for, they get something quite different:

"You vote to strike a blow against elitism and you receive a social order in which wealth is more concentrated than ever before in our life times, workers have been stripped of power, and CEOs are rewarded in a manner that is beyond imagining.

"It's like a French Revolution in reverse in which the workers come pouring down the street screaming more power to the aristocracy."
From Peggy.

Bound to Succeed

A Noble mission.

Overheard in the Holler

Me: I just noticed something. When I type pe, my word prediction software doesn't offer peculiar or perennial. The first word it suggests is penis.

Dan: It knows you.

Regrets Only

This site's name says it all.