Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Like their owners, a lot of dogs get too much food and not enough exercise. There are plenty of portly pooches waddling around, and certain breeds seem predisposed to it. Pugs and Labradors, for instance. But an obese sighthound?
I did see a potbellied whippet once, and that was just as freaky. It almost never happens. Most salukis, Afghans, etc. look like they could stand to gain several pounds. More than once, someone in a passing car has shouted, "Feed those dogs!"
Their sleekness is a crucial part of their design, just like the pointy head and a deep ribcage to house their oversized heart and lungs. It's all about speed. A fat greyhound is like a wispy football player: wrong, all wrong.
It did seem happy, and that's what really matters, isn't it? But damn was that thing freaky looking.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Surprisingly, I don't get antsy. With an inert body that gets cold in minutes but takes forever to warm up, my craving for comfort has grown stronger than the urge for a change of scenery. Thank God for the Internet and cable TV.
For me, cabin fever isn't claustrophobia; it's the desire to own a cozy home somewhere scenic. Sites like this one and this one are like pornography for me, just with houses instead of people. If I had one of those places, I might never leave.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
Radar shares details that are almost too rich; it's like downing an entire box of Little Debbies in one sitting. For example, Joanie really did love Chachi -- enough to deflower him, anyway. And don't miss his introduction to Beverly D'Angelo. Good times.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
It's a dachshund, it's housebroken, and it's great with kids.
He's giving it away because his wife says the dog "stares" at her when she's undressing. And that gives her the heebie-jeebies. I think she's just weird.
If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog:
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
I'm in good company.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
It's a great story, and the creationist father of seven is taking full advantage of his moment in the spotlight to publish his manifesto and pop up on blogs.
God bless America.
Monday, January 22, 2007
It would be good, but untrue, to say that Shirley had a good life. As a child, she had a mastoid on one ear and another operation to correct pronounced cross-eyes. Both operations were successful, but left emotional scars. She felt like the ugly duckling of the family and grew bitter. She was pretty but did not think she was; she shrank from men and had few close friends. In Washington, she lived alone in the Garfield condo on upper Connecticut Ave., participated in condo committees, did volunteer work at the Hirshhorn Museum and the Kennedy Center, saw family members and a few friends occasionally. She was particularly fond of and relaxed with young children and regretted that she had not been able to find a decent job looking after or teaching them. As she aged, she grew more withdrawn and unhappy; toward the end, she was so depressed she did not return phone calls.Good times.
Resquiat in pace, Shirl.
(Mrs.) L'Angel Hardgrove
Ptolemy David and True Ellen Eggers
Lori Sweatt Cave
Louis and Joe Louis Winbush (brothers)
Lola May Beeler
Jailyn and Jazmyn Chittams (sisters)
Pastor Festus Shaw
(Miss) Dulcy Pippel
(Mrs.) Arizona Brown
Luvenda C. Talley
Dr. Kin Kong
Titus W. Dickens
Constance Nettles Parker
lonette Applewhite and Verlia Pouchet (sisters)
Rev. Filbert Martin
(Ms.) Skye Burger
Lucie Giegengach Teegarden
Paul Gray Ruff IV
Patricia Hanket Buckles
Hampton Lee Peed, Jr.
(Ms.) Vernie E. Umberger
Ovid Bush Frost, Sr.
(Mr.) Corbett O. Jonker
(Mrs.) Burline McLamb Wintersteen
(Mr.) Clell "Puzz" Ware
(Mrs.) Bean F. Williams
Mona Lisa Young
Mytease Decosita Brown
Mabel Fletcher Phucas
(Ms.) Descendre' Upshur
(Mrs.) Syvella Crump
Tiny Wilkins Davis, MD
(Mr.) Goldwin Dyke
Tumie C. Hurd I
James Epiphany "Pick" Flamer
(Mrs.) Maudie Bert Gillikin
Nakeeda L. Rice
(Mr.) Glenwood Dail
(Mr.) Lacy LeGrande
Sunday, January 21, 2007
A joint venture of Swatch and Mercedes, smarts are as freaky and adorable as pug puppies. There's even one on display at MoMA in New York. They look like something Elroy Jetson would build out of Lego and Tinkertoys. And they're tiny -- so small you can park 'em in a regular spot sideways. They make Mini Coopers look like Lincoln Navigators.
Smarts have been popular in space-challenged Europe for years now, and Chrysler plans to introduce them here next January. The company's U.S. Web site isn't terribly informative, but it does have some cute videos. Good article here.
Will they sell in our bloated, nothing-is-big-enough culture? People are still snapping up Hummers to fill the three-car garages of their McMansions, so it seems counterintuitive. But maybe all the bad news about climbing temps and dwindling oil reserves will finally sink in and smarts will begin to look smart. It could happen.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Some people remember him as the irascible Deacon Ernest Frye on "Amen," but to most he will forever be the irascible** George Jefferson, the success of whose seven dry-cleaning establishments enabled him to move his family to a "dee-luxe apartment in the sky" on Manhattan's fabled Upper East Side. It might have been "All in the Family" for neighbors Archie and Edith Bunker, but when "The Jeffersons" debuted in 1975, George and his long-suffering wife, "Weezie," left behind their gauche neighbors in gritty Queens with scarcely a backward glance. They'd finally got their piece of the pie, you see. No more fried fish or grilled beans for the Jeffersons.***
The mention of Hemsley's name prompted one friend to ask, "Is he still alive?" which in turn jarred the memory of a skit from long ago, back when "Saturday Night Live" was funny. Structured as a game show, "Dead or Canadian?" featured an emcee who would toss out the name of a long-forgotten celebrity. Contestants would guess in which of the two categories the has-been belonged. It was often difficult and always amusing.
Thanks to Wikipedia, I can report that Brother Hemsley is neither dead nor Canadian. He's not even very old, turning 69 on February 1st, inshallah. Still working, he has one movie in production and another in the can. And in a 2005 episode of "Family Guy" he appeared as himself, establishing a religion based on ... George Jefferson. That's got to be good; maybe I can find it at Netflix.
* Many people say "Helmsley." This is how you know they're not true fans.
** No one did irascible like Sherman Hemsley. No one.
*** Do people really grill beans? Seems tricky.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
So great was my amusement/horror that I traced it back to the mother lode, bursting with such gems as: "You are very attractive in a hagged-out Motley Crue video slut sort of way, and your husband is rarely home."
Hours of riveting entertainment. Enjoy.
Friday, January 12, 2007
I didn't think so.
Midweek birthdays are inconvenient. Not so much for us welfare queens, but for the rest of you workaday drudges with your tiresome schedules and commitments. So we invited some friends over on Saturday evening, a plan that satisfied almost everyone.
Everyone except for my college pal Caroline, who lives in North Carolina and couldn't make it this weekend. She began hailing the arrival of my 40th a couple of weeks ago with a cheerfully grim countdown: "Only 12 days till you're an old hag," "You're gonna be an old hag on Thursday," etc. She should know; she's been one for 10 months now.
Since the Saturday get-together wasn't possible, she mused, "What are you doing on your actual birthday? Maybe I'll jump on a plane." Caroline is one of those rare people whose maybes tend to become reality, so I wasn't surprised when she announced a few hours later that she'd bought a ticket. She doesn't like to fly, but her desire to be on hand for my initiation into haghood was far stronger. And Dan couldn't stand the idea of us having fun without him, so he took the day off work. By Caroline's standard, Dan's been a hag for almost three years already, so it was a vanload o' crones. (I believe that's actually the scientific plural.)
With three young boys, Caroline is a professional celebratrix. Hence the huge psychedelic hat she was wearing when we picked her up at the airport. It was shaped like a birthday cake, complete with candles. She said she'd worn it on the plane, and I didn't doubt her for a second.
The confection was transferred to my head, and Caroline produced two slightly less elaborate ones for herself and Dan. In honor of my new status as a hag, I'd worn my lesbian pantsuit and loafers, accented with a strand of Mardi Gras beads; the hat went quite well.
As we headed off to Baltimore, Caroline remarked how long it had been since she'd been in a car without kids. "I feel like such a grownup," she said, the floppy candles bobbing on her cake hat.
After a hearty lunch at a piss-elegant restaurant in Little Italy, we proceeded to the real attraction: the Visionary Art Museum. It's one of my favorite galleries, and I knew Caroline, with her Condi-with-a-dildo sense of aesthetic discernment, would appreciate it.
Which she did -- to the point of missing her flight home. No worries; she caught the next one.
Thus was my induction into haghood both enjoyable and memorable, celebrated with copious hooting and howling -- as it should be. Good times.
P.S.: The pictures posted yesterday (which I found through Google image searches for desert, desolate, and moonscape) were brought to you by the number 40.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
I could swear I remember reading long ago that octogenarians in Florida could renew their licenses by mail without so much as a vision test. A few sane people wanted to change the law, but common wisdom said the elderly 80 or 90 percent of the populace would riot if they even tried. The thought of all those canes and walkers rattling with righteous rage was too disturbing, so the bureaucrats backed down. That's my memory, anyway.
Here in Virginny, you can be functionally quadriplegic and they'll still give you a driver's license. I got a shiny new one in the mail yesterday. I can barely hold my big head up anymore, and if I turn it more than a few degrees in either direction it's likely to get stuck. Apparently that's not a concern, though, because I wasn't asked whether I was fit to drive. In fact, the online renewal process took maybe five minutes. The toughest question was, Do you require corrective lenses to operate a motor vehicle? No, I require a driver to operate a motor vehicle.
Don't panic, folks. I haven't been behind the wheel in years. I only renewed my license to use as a photo ID. And to see if I could do it.
I wonder if the distinguished thespian will in attendance himself. And, if so, whether he'll be offering free mustache rides to the bereaved. Good times.
* Don't even think of trying to crash, no matter how sorely tempted you might be.
Monday, January 08, 2007
S. Goya Wannamethee, PhD
Brantley Y. Blue
(Mrs.) Zollie Tilson Wilson
Pearl and Earl Knickelbein
Cleta and Frieda Travis
Lavinia Lemon Pitzer
Fletcher D.P. Plumley
DaRen, MyAsha, MyShia, and DaVaun Cheatham (siblings)
Virginia, Hibernia, Missouri, Scennie, Hazel, Neadom, and Maryland Brown (siblings and spouses)
(Mrs.) Rindy Dowdy
Lila Mae Cheeks
Ofers and Ella Mae Nall
Precious M. Queen
Rodney J. Wylie
Victor "Vic" Dick
Colonel G. Barnes
(Mr.) Thornal Coachman
Angelo and Angela Easter (siblings)
Shaunta and Shauntice Culp (siblings)
Otis and Pearlie Mae Lynch
Eloise Quick Mange
Pearl Alcampe Kreckel
Willis H. Wills
Otha and Opie Hinkle
Otha John Hamer Jr. (children: Otha III and Othalene)
Elmer and Wilma Boik
Zerline R. Applegate
Mavis and Melford Boodie
Woodrow and Wilson Judy (brothers)
Mozelle Verda McCleain
Deacon Presper Melvin
(Mr.) Eltora Minor
Eula, Delma, and Reckina Penn
Anna Butt Gravalles
Earline I. Shifflett
Rev. Pearly Selby
Frances Henkel Wallrodt
Ossie Mae Wylie
Lula Belle Cotton
Barbara Brown Butts
Clofus H. Clayton
Anastasia V. Wingo
Daisy L. Roach
Mabel Mae McDonald and Dixie Gene Holland (sisters)
Elwood and Wanda Hovermale
Patti Shunk Blinkhorn
Elco L. Greenshields
Kerry and Kelly Klinksieck
Wilma Dykeman (and son Dykeman Stokely)
(Mr.) Lastarza Hunt
(Ms.) Belvyn Pyles
(Mr.) Nopadon Woods
John Paul Jones
(Mrs.) Gerri Springer
Ruby Rose Ice
Lord Marmaduke Hussey
Austin and Savannah Gentry
John Jacob Astor Green
(Mrs.) Peppie Limber
(Mr.) Green Berry Bohon
(Mr.) Angush LaRay Bostic
Dr. Lumbus T. Burrell
Horace and Goller Tidwell (children: Horace Jr., Lasava, Marchavia, Schavez, and Miguel)
(Mrs.) Enalee Bounds
Grover and Imajean Delp
Fannie B. Dickens
(Mr.) Golden Driver
Holden and Atticus Boba (brothers)
(Mr.) Hildrus Burrus
Unita and Crystal Crudup (siblings)
(Mr.) Itche Goldberg
Haroldine "Kitty" Bonnett
Hughlene B. Frank
(Miss) Maurie Moorhead
(Mr.) Earcell Barnett
Latasha and Lateshia Brown (2 of 12 siblings)
Jervie and Winona Fox
Marian Paper Binder
Orpha Violet Kagey
(Mrs.) Mattie P. Sours
London and Ikea Henderson (siblings)
George Madison Lady
Dr. Nick DiNubile, orthopedic surgeon
Beulah G. Taltavull
Bransby W. Bushey III
Col. Shirly Ray Trumps
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say Hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: Break Forth Into Joy.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What Is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Friday, January 05, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
I thought that was slightly unusual, but then she casually mentioned that "he likes to hug me," at which point I almost fell out of my chair.
When my head stopped spinning, I asked the only logical question: "Is he simple?"
She assured me that was he was not. Just remarkably affectionate, evidently. Usually she's in the car and can drive by with a wave. But when she's out gardening or whatever, she's vulnerable and has to keep an eye out in case he approaches.
We have a whole crew of garbagemen over here. I see them five days a week, and if we cross paths we exchange a wave or a brief greeting. I can't recall a single instance of physical contact, even a handshake. This always seemed normal to me, but maybe I'm missing out on something.