Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Wisdom of Forrest Gimp

Now I understand why old people are so obsessed
with their bowel movements. It’s like money or sex:
the less you have, the more important it seems.

Jackals on the Prowl

Friday, October 22, 2010

Today's Top Story

Don Draper at home:

From Riley.

'You Can Feel Her Wind'

"She is blowing you."

From Derek.

Home Run

From a friend:
I have been reading a bio of Mickey Mantle, who often said hilariously crude things (usually to get people to leave him alone). When Yankee management sent out a questionnaire to former ballplayers asking them "What was your most outstanding experience at Yankee Stadium?" Mickey wrote, "I got a blow-job under the right field bleachers by the Yankee bullpen."

He added, helpfully, "It was about the third or fourth inning. I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time."


From Peggy and Colleen.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Wisdom of Forrest Gimp

It’s exhausting to be completely dependent on others.
Almost as exhausting as having someone
be completely dependent on you.


I woke up sweating in a straitjacket the other night.

That’s what it felt like, anyway. I was lying on my back, arms at my sides, the covers up to my chinny chin chin. When I tried to pull them down, my left arm stirred minimally, the right one not at all. Upright, I can usually use the left hand to help the right, like a child with a retarded sibling, but that night I got nowhere. In fact, the more I squirmed, the tighter the bind. It was like a full-body Chinese finger trap. Then I tried my legs, but they proved equally useless.

I sleep with a button on each side to summon Dan, but with my hands glued to my hips, they were hopelessly out of reach. Fortunately, he awoke on his own and set me free.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Today's Top Story

From Riley.

'Lez Continue'

"I love my husband very much, and you can
ask anyone on my softball team."

Meredith Quackster Birney!
"You came out of your mom looking like shit.
She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what
scared me most, your looks or her judgment."

Shit My Dad Says
Bazias, Romania: Bats fly in a cave by the river Danube.
(Daniel Mihailescu/AFP/Getty Images)

Source, by way of Riley.

Friday, October 01, 2010