Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
- Keep in mind, you're ordering a naked person to obey you.
- Capsules, containers, and even small hacksaw blades have been found in the nasal passages.
- Narcotics, stabbing instruments, notes, wire, and money have all been found taped to the soles of the feet or under the toes.
- Observe any constricting of the rectal muscles, which may indicate the inmate is straining to retain something.
- If you have any suspicion, ask the inmate to squat and cough deeply, which could dislodge it.
- You're not authorized to make any intrusion into the inmate's body orifices.
- Remember: Do not deviate from what is appropriate and professional.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
The Post's obituary writers have made a conscious effort lately to personalize their tributes. Some examples from today's paper:
"He belonged to [a masonic lodge] and served as Worshipful Master."
"She was especially known for her deviled eggs."
"She collected spoons, Norwegian folk art and houseplants."
"[She] was born ... either in 1908 or 1909. She never knew for sure because the city hall burned down in 1914, public records were lost and family memories were fuzzy."
I'm a little sad that none of the above will be said of me. Perhaps I should start feeding quotes to friends.
Like: "I thought he'd never leave."
And: "No one could load a dishwasher like her. No one."
And: "He was a pain in the ass, but he made me laugh."
And the ne plus ultra: "You know, he donated his brain and spinal cord for ALS research. So he is in death as he was in life: brainless and spineless." Extra points for whoever gets that in the paper.
Friday, March 28, 2008
DRUG dealers are transporting their stashes in MOBILITY SCOOTERS, police revealed yesterday.
Dealers pose as disabled people and pack drugs in the vehicles – which have a top speed of 4MPH.
Cops say suspects are using scooters because cars can be tracked with numberplate cameras.
A Met Police source said: “We assume they are doing it because they think we won’t search them. These are not disabled people.”
One scooter stopped in South London was covered in jewellery to look “gangsta” – and Class A drugs were hidden inside.
You know, I never did think I got my money's worth out of my scooter.
Part 2 is much shorter -- and much raunchier. You've been warned.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Do you know how to google yourself? I heard on the radio that people can google themselves. I’ve done a lot of things to myself before, but I’ve never googled myself.
Which comedian used to go onstage and play neurotic phone messages from her mother? I can't remember, but it was hilarious.
This site is sort of an email version. You might be comforted (or saddened) to discover that you don't have the kookiest mom after all.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Thanks to Eugene.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I think a good laxative could do wonders for his outlook, but he makes some valid points even while sounding like your crotchety Uncle Harry:
All we do is hear about little cures for little pains. Nothing important gets said. There used to be all those talk shows back in the '50s and '60s, when I was on television a great deal. People would talk about many important things, and you had some very good talkers. They're not allowed on now. Or they're set loose in the Fox Zoo, in which you have a number of people who pretend to be journalists but are really like animals. Each one has his own noise--there's the donkey who brays, there's the pig who squeals. Each one is a different animal in a zoo, making a characteristic noise. The result is chaos, which is what is intended. They don't want the people to know anything, and the people don't.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Vidal has, it seems not forgiven Buckley; either for the insults or for his role in ushering in the 20th century's conservative ascendancy. The accusations pile up: "Although Buckley was often drunk and out of control, he was always a spontaneous liar on any subject that his dizzy brain might extrude." That's how you remember the dead.A truly delicious dish. Follow the links.
Thanks to Terry.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
We're finally nearing the end, and this morning they installed the commode. Things were pretty quiet until the merry trio got the washlet on and started testing it.
Lawd a'mighty! Such hootin' an' hollerin', you'da thought they was a passel o' boys what snuck into the wimmin's changin' room.
I shouldn't have been surprised. I had a friend who grew up in a tiny hamlet on Virginny's swampy southern border. His father was the town doctor, his mother a nurse. They had the first Volvo in town (in the 1980s!) -- and the first and only bidets. One of his sisters was showing a local friend around their newly built house, and when they got to the girls' bathroom, the friend exclaimed, "Oh my gawd! Dual stools!"
More recently, a friend in North Carolina had her master bath redone. The workmen were the usual sophisticates, and one of them asked, "Whaddya want that for?," referring to the bidet. "I considered telling him you get a lot more lovin' with a fresh lulu," she said, "but instead I told him to mind his own damn business."
Likewise, I could have told our plumbers about my gnawing apprehension of losing the ability to wipe my own ass, but I didn't. It was none of their damn business. Besides, they were having a blast.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Studies showed that children with odd names got worse grades and were less popular than other classmates in elementary school. In college they were more likely to flunk out or become “psychoneurotic.” Prospective bosses spurned their résumés. They were overrepresented among emotionally disturbed children and psychiatric patients.From Laura, who wishes her middle name were Danger.
Some of these mental problems might have been genetic — what kind of parent picks a name like Golden Rule or Mary Mee? — but it was still bad news.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Gene's judgment is subject to question, because I've seen Zap's puppy pictures and he was adorable. In the years since, he's routinely been described as elegant, regal, and even beautiful. How often do people call you regal, Gene? That's what I thought.
Zap has one of the sturdiest egos I've known, yet I haven't had the heart to share this news.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Yesterday I was sitting in my wheelchair, writing something profound/reading obituaries/surfing porn (take your pick), when I heard an odd, soft little noise: Pop. Pop pop. Pop.
"What's that sound?" I asked Dan. He didn't hear it at first, but then it continued. Pop pop. Pop. Pop pop pop.
"It's coming from my chair," I said helpfully.
He did a quick scan, and when his eyes reached the wheel facing him, they bugged out of his head. He leapt backwards a split second before the tire exploded with a skull-shattering crack, spraying black flecks across the room and leaving the chair -- and me -- listing forlornly to starboard.
Dan later told me that a bloated stretch of inner tube "the size of a clementine" had somehow squeezed out between the rim and the tire. Not an orange or a tangerine, mind you, but a clementine. I think he might be gay.
The chair is now fixed, but my nerves are still a bit frayed. If there are any loud noises in my near future, I hope they come from the TV and not from under my butt. Looking back, though, I did find one point of pride: Neither of us shrieked.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Saturday, March 08, 2008
I placed Clinton slightly above Obama -- no surprise -- but apparently I favored Huckabee to McCain, which was news to me. My eye-hand coordination was always abysmal, even before the ALS, so maybe that had something to do with it.
From Peg, who also surprised herself.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Your brain starts shrinking at 25. Your handshake starts going soft at 30. At 40, your memory starts to slip. In a new book, author David Shields catalogues the myriad ways that our bodies gradually betray us.
I might be decrepit, but I can still turn on the gas. Or roll in front of a bus. Or off a pier.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Mr Weston-Webb, 70, fears that his company, Grumpy Joe’s Flooring, has been a target for rivals in the portable flooring industry ever since it won a lucrative contract to supply the BBC show Strictly Come Dancing.From Riley.
I'm more curious about the contents of said structure. With every scrap of paper "lost," shredded, or classified, what's left to house? Books? Please.
Thanks to Terry.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
I knew Hello Kitty was ubiquitous, but I dismissed it as harmless. I mean, if someone really wants a pink, crystal-encrusted laptop, far be it from me to step on her paws. However, this latest merchandise is distinctly more sinister. Pardon the pun, but what's the target market for such an item?
And then there's this, which is probably a hoax, but then again ...
Inspired by Terry, who enjoys nothing more than wrenching off a girl's rose-colored glasses and exposing her to the harsh, ugly glare of reality.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Sunday, March 02, 2008
(Miss) Peculiar Smithfield
Rev. Dan Christian
Pastor Charles H. Doom, Jr.
Ferguise E. Mayronne IV
(Mrs.) Mellowese Pegues
China Jesusita Shavers
Silky O. Sullivan
Francis A. Cooch IV
James Earl Carter