Life in Short

(321): I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
(239): He could rock you to sleep

(716): Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.

(803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

(405): You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.

(404): What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
(678): I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

(847): I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today

(541): we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

(209): kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

Texts From Last Night