Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Indifferent Strokes
Years ago, we had a pair of goldfish that we named after Dan's parents: Lud and Darlene Iglfish. We thought it was a cute little tribute, but one of the namesakes felt less than honored.
"I'm going to get a couple of cheap pets and name them after you," she huffed.
We decided not to tell them when one of Lud's eyeballs fell out, leaving a spooky little porthole with a view of his brain. It was a disturbing sight, but you just had to look. Again and again. Darlene had developed a voracious appetite and grown much larger than her mate, and I could never shake the suspicion that she'd eaten his eye.
Lud died at some point, and Darlene never looked back. The merry widow just kept eating and growing. By the time we left California, she looked like a small koi.
Taken in by friends, Darlene was still alive years later when Dan went back for a visit (to the friends, not the fish). She was grotesque by then, a side-swimming monster covered with tumors. Her sight was gone, but not her appetite: she'd circle the tank with her mouth gaping open, hoping to suck in some food. Plus ça change ...
"I'm going to get a couple of cheap pets and name them after you," she huffed.
We decided not to tell them when one of Lud's eyeballs fell out, leaving a spooky little porthole with a view of his brain. It was a disturbing sight, but you just had to look. Again and again. Darlene had developed a voracious appetite and grown much larger than her mate, and I could never shake the suspicion that she'd eaten his eye.
Lud died at some point, and Darlene never looked back. The merry widow just kept eating and growing. By the time we left California, she looked like a small koi.
Taken in by friends, Darlene was still alive years later when Dan went back for a visit (to the friends, not the fish). She was grotesque by then, a side-swimming monster covered with tumors. Her sight was gone, but not her appetite: she'd circle the tank with her mouth gaping open, hoping to suck in some food. Plus ça change ...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Good Grief
Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant.For a couple of years, I'd been meaning to read The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion's memoir of coping with her husband's sudden death and her daughter's serious, mysterious illness. We listened to the audiobook on our recent road trip and really enjoyed it. Lots of detail and repetition, which wouldn't appeal to everyone, but it worked for me.
More here.
Irrational Velvet
You owe it to yourselves and your loved ones to see this again and again. Memorize it and say to yourselves, "I saw genius in my lifetime"From Riley.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Fall From Grace
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
(516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.Texts From Last Night
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Beau Constrictor
I could really use one of these, but what happens to the flab? What if it's pushed up to your neck and chokes you?
From Riley.
From Riley.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Uncle Derek’s Strange Habits
I know people worry about stealing kids’ childhoods away from them but, really, what IS childhood anyway, except for confusion, fear and paranoia, with a few fits of giggles and incontinence thrown in?An interview with the guy behind My First Dictionary.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Early Warning
Dan's been looking through old photos and documents saved by his parents. Among them was a kindergarten report card with this handwritten comment: He likes to tease and doesn't seem to think he should like or play with girls.And in first grade it was noted: Danny is a spunky little boy.
Off topic but equally amusing was this observation: He has a little difficulty with skipping and some other rhythm activities, but he tries his best.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
The Artful Dodger
This is especially apt because whippets are masterful shape shifters. They're like furry Slinkies.
Big thanks to Laura.
Big thanks to Laura.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Dunce and Again
Crashing Gore
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
(919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".Texts From Last Night
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Did Jew Ever ...
According to an uncle, one of my great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers was a rabbi in Hamburg. This delights me, but I imagine not everyone would welcome such a revelation.
Link from Peggy.
Link from Peggy.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Noteworthy Names
Apryl Winters
Bonita Cannon
Ronaldo Nicholson
Soo Kim Romanoff
Bruce Bueno de Mesquita
McCann Utu
Shi Du Du
Wei Wei Wang
Song Dong
Peter Wagstaff
Dick Palmer
Pansy Crouch
Bobb Head
Molly Morecock
Ramona Cox Boxx
Harry Patch
Matt Bush
Dewey Cockfield
Chad Titsworth
Serge Butman
Randy Rudy
Fanny Rodwell
Parlee Liptrap
Sheryl Green Brown
Mary Brown Furr
Twila Coon
Midge Shields
Sierra Birdsong
Erick Butzlaff
Ardusters Felton
Venus Thrash
Justice Leak
Angel Storm
Honour Brighte
Christian Marvel
Eden Grace
Blythe Apple
Ginger Lemon
Vanilla Beane
Virginia Beach
Laurel Linden
P.J. Wedding
Mary Cherry
LaCole Cole
Abdullah Abdullah
Penny Poor
Penny Moneymaker
Merry Blackman
Sissy Jolley
Ravenel Boykin Curry V
Phartaporn Wellspeak
Lowonderful Pearson
Doodle Jenkins
Erlene Bumb
Festus Botchway
Uneek Jones
Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz (later renamed by adoptive parents)
Pretenders
Martha Washington
Mary Todd
Chelsea McClinton
George B. Bush
Anita Bryant Chase
Erica Kain
Barney Miller
Helen Hayes
Betty Davis
Robert Wagner
Joan R. Collins
Samuel A. Jackson
Rod Lowe
Matt Danon
(Ms.) Tracy Morgan
Dianna Ross
Bebe King
Peggy Lee
Eugene O'Neil
Bobby Orr
(Ms.) Terry Bradshaw
Charles Manson
Aptronyms
Rev. F. Forrester Church
Rev. Carl V. Messiah
Max Page, journalist
Chip Paradis, ice cream parlor owner
Dr. Gary Alter, gender reassignment specialist
Inaptronyms
Rob Junk, prosecutor
Ryan Staab, police officer
B.J. Hooker, police officer and pastor
Thanks to everyone who contributed.
Bonita Cannon
Ronaldo Nicholson
Soo Kim Romanoff
Bruce Bueno de Mesquita
McCann Utu
Shi Du Du
Wei Wei Wang
Song Dong
Peter Wagstaff
Dick Palmer
Pansy Crouch
Bobb Head
Molly Morecock
Ramona Cox Boxx
Harry Patch
Matt Bush
Dewey Cockfield
Chad Titsworth
Serge Butman
Randy Rudy
Fanny Rodwell
Parlee Liptrap
Sheryl Green Brown
Mary Brown Furr
Twila Coon
Midge Shields
Sierra Birdsong
Erick Butzlaff
Ardusters Felton
Venus Thrash
Justice Leak
Angel Storm
Honour Brighte
Christian Marvel
Eden Grace
Blythe Apple
Ginger Lemon
Vanilla Beane
Virginia Beach
Laurel Linden
P.J. Wedding
Mary Cherry
LaCole Cole
Abdullah Abdullah
Penny Poor
Penny Moneymaker
Merry Blackman
Sissy Jolley
Ravenel Boykin Curry V
Phartaporn Wellspeak
Lowonderful Pearson
Doodle Jenkins
Erlene Bumb
Festus Botchway
Uneek Jones
Zezozose Zadfrack Glutz (later renamed by adoptive parents)
Pretenders
Martha Washington
Mary Todd
Chelsea McClinton
George B. Bush
Anita Bryant Chase
Erica Kain
Barney Miller
Helen Hayes
Betty Davis
Robert Wagner
Joan R. Collins
Samuel A. Jackson
Rod Lowe
Matt Danon
(Ms.) Tracy Morgan
Dianna Ross
Bebe King
Peggy Lee
Eugene O'Neil
Bobby Orr
(Ms.) Terry Bradshaw
Charles Manson
Aptronyms
Rev. F. Forrester Church
Rev. Carl V. Messiah
Max Page, journalist
Chip Paradis, ice cream parlor owner
Dr. Gary Alter, gender reassignment specialist
Inaptronyms
Rob Junk, prosecutor
Ryan Staab, police officer
B.J. Hooker, police officer and pastor
Thanks to everyone who contributed.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
I Remember Mama
In her letters Edie discusses politics, 9/11, Cher, Elian Gonzalez, the Grey Gardens documentary and musical, her first cousins Jackie Kennedy Onassis and Lee Radziwill, Andy Warhol, politics, and more.
Friday, October 02, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Overheard in the Holler
Me: If you want, you can cross my legs so you don't have to bend over to wash my feet.
New aide: Oh, I like bendin' over. How you think I got four kids? (Cackles.)
New aide: Oh, I like bendin' over. How you think I got four kids? (Cackles.)
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