"You're a cock and a fuck-up. Any further complaints can be directed toward my arse, where I'm sure you'll receive a warm response."
"You're a complete waste of space. Just go home and apologize to your mother's vagina."
"I don't need you in my life. Not when I've got chocolate."
"I curse you with my words! Taste the venom in my spittle!"
"I like the way you look. The way you walk. Your eyes... But your voice, dear god, your voice!"
"Why don't you stop looking for answers when your questions have as much weight as a turd floating out to sea."
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Late Show
Recent favorites from Sleep Talkin' Man:
Monday, November 29, 2010
WTMcF?
From a friend:
A holiday gift presented to my teacher friend from a little German boy:
When the teacher stared at it in shock the mother helpfully said, "it's for viping!" and made a wiping gesture.
The best part is that my teacher friend is under 5 ft and the German woman is [Amazonian]. When she demonstrated how to vipe it was at roughly her crotch level so the shorter woman could see. It's a sponge by the way. For cleaning little preschool tables.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
You're Welcome
Examine the person who gave you the possible compliment. Do they have ulterior motives? Do they want to borrow money from you? Sleep with you? If one or both of these things is true, you may accept the compliment, as they are implicitly saying that you are either wealthy or do-able. Those are actually the highest compliments that can possibly be given. You should be very pleased with this.
Boom Box
An air-raid warden inside a shattered telephone box following a bombing raid in London during the Blitz of World War II, 1940. (George Rodger/Magnum Photos)
From Riley.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Plain & Fancy
A few years ago, at a public meeting Dan was attending for work, a woman rose to comment. She had no discernible accent ... except when saying the name of our city, which curiously caused her to become British for just a moment before reverting to Yankdom at the next word.
Alex-ahn-dria. So elegant. So posh. Who wouldn't want to live there?
We've been saying it that way ever since.
Alex-ahn-dria. So elegant. So posh. Who wouldn't want to live there?
We've been saying it that way ever since.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Unbroken
I've always been grateful for my friends, and the more my world shrinks, the more I appreciate them. These are the people who entertain and enlighten me. They keep me engaged in the world despite my physical limitations. They make me want to go on.
One such person is Laura Hillenbrand, who serves me regular helpings of food for thought and makes me laugh at least once a day. She is such a presence in my life, it's surreal to think that we haven't been in the same room since our high school graduation, more than 25 years ago.
Like me, Laura is largely homebound due to ill health. Unlike me, she spends her time and talents productively, finding history's forgotten stories and telling them as only she can. Her first book, Seabiscuit, spent months atop the New York Times bestseller list (and gave me one of my favorite phrases ever: mighty shit Godzilla). It was such a good read that I worried whether she could match it when she started working on her next book. I should have known better.
Unbroken, which hit bookstores today, is the wildly improbable story of Louis Zamperini, an Olympic runner turned bombardier who survived a plane crash and 47 days at sea only to become a Japanese POW. Knowing that books are hard for me to handle, Laura kindly sent a digital copy, and I was delighted to find that her storytelling skills are sharper than ever. Unbroken is truly riveting -- and God knows I'm not given to idle praise. I've been hooked since the preface and had to tear myself away to write this. Now go buy a copy so we can talk about it.
One such person is Laura Hillenbrand, who serves me regular helpings of food for thought and makes me laugh at least once a day. She is such a presence in my life, it's surreal to think that we haven't been in the same room since our high school graduation, more than 25 years ago.
Like me, Laura is largely homebound due to ill health. Unlike me, she spends her time and talents productively, finding history's forgotten stories and telling them as only she can. Her first book, Seabiscuit, spent months atop the New York Times bestseller list (and gave me one of my favorite phrases ever: mighty shit Godzilla). It was such a good read that I worried whether she could match it when she started working on her next book. I should have known better.
Unbroken, which hit bookstores today, is the wildly improbable story of Louis Zamperini, an Olympic runner turned bombardier who survived a plane crash and 47 days at sea only to become a Japanese POW. Knowing that books are hard for me to handle, Laura kindly sent a digital copy, and I was delighted to find that her storytelling skills are sharper than ever. Unbroken is truly riveting -- and God knows I'm not given to idle praise. I've been hooked since the preface and had to tear myself away to write this. Now go buy a copy so we can talk about it.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Focus
I don't mind pictures of scenery (provided it's truly scenic), but most people don't seem to exercise any judgment at all when it comes to sharing photos. If the shutter clicked, the result is considered inherently worthy, even if it's blurry, dark, askew, ugly, boring, irrelevant, or utterly indistinguishable from the previous and subsequent shots.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Today's Top Story
Sarah Palin takes us for a ride
TLC’s approach to programming is, in a nominal way, educational; if you don’t know any little people, or kids whose legs are fused, or families with nineteen children, you don’t really know what their lives are like. The shows are extremely invasive, though; TLC’s programming is all about babies, weddings, and families in extremis, and yet there’s something inhumane at the center of it all. It panders to our curiosity, allowing us to gawk at its subjects for as long as they are willing to be gawked at—which may be longer than is good for them. When it comes to Palin specifically, there is the fundamental problem that some of us don’t want to see or hear any more of her than we have to. And there are those whose objections have a physiological basis as well as an ideological one: the pitch and timbre of her voice, the rhythms of her speech, her syntax, and the way she coats acid and incoherence with cheery musical inflections join together in a sickening synergy that distresses the listener, triggering a fight-or-flight reaction. When Palin talks, my whole being wails, like Nancy Kerrigan after Tonya Harding’s ex-husband kneecapped her: “Why? Why? Why?”
Infirmation Age
In the course of some online genealogical research, my friend Derek found this in the census form of a great-great-grandparent:
Monday, November 08, 2010
Cut Down to Size
Naked in the kiddie pool, I assessed my French cousin and loudly announced that he was missing something. Whereupon the adults, laughing, informed me that the deficit was in fact mine.
I've felt incomplete ever since.
I've felt incomplete ever since.
Friday, November 05, 2010
When I was young, we had a cousin in a wheelchair. She had problems with her kidneys. I think that wheelchair stayed with me. I was fascinated. Anyone with any disability or a deformity -- I am just drawn to things that are different. I've been dying to do a commercial for tampons or for cramp medicine, where I am bent over screaming in pain.Amy Sedaris, from Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People
Source
(303): My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Texts From Last Night
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
The Office
From a friend of a friend:
In my cube farm, I have clockwise: a person who is the only competent professional alive, and he's not afraid to say it. A nail clipper. A sunflower seed eater. In the shells. A cell phone addict, complete with yelling so the other person can hear. A cougher who on more than one occasion has stopped breathing. Or vomited. And people wonder why I wear headphones.
Overheard at the Polling Place
Dan, nodding at albiness: There's that woman who's always so friendly to you and basically ignores me.
Michael: We're both despised by society. It's an unspoken bond.
Overheard by: Pariah Carey
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