Today's Top Story

The Dumbest Quotes Of The 2000s

Source

Breaking News

The End of the 00s: Noted, Without Noteworthiness

From David.

Today's Top Stories

Woman Flashes, Gets Hit by Car

Drunk 4-Year-Old Steals Christmas Presents

CCTV Released of Bizarre 'Bum Smelling' Shopper

Kerrville Woman Calls 911 to Report Husband Won't Eat Dinner

Source

Bill of Rights

"Beware of whores who say they don't want money."

William S. Burroughs's Words of Advice for Young People. Text version here. Good stuff.

From Riley.

How's It Hangin'?

Just as nature intended, thanks.

From Tom.

Full Disclosure

From Peggy.

Today's Top Story

Fargo News Reporter Falls For Oldest Trick In Book

From Caroline.

(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Texts From Last Night

Hang 'Em High

Some destinations are the stuff of dreams, others the stuff of nightmares.


From Derek, who's been.

Lard Have Mercy

I guess there really is a blog for everything. Case in point: Mr. Baconpants.

From Laurie.

Holy Ghost

Billboard depicting Mary, Joseph in bed defaced

From Colleen.

Today's Top Story

The Wisdom of a Four-Legged Elder

From Florence.

Crown Jewel

Great site.

From Terry, who's back in Oklahoma for the occasion.

Having a Ball

Wish you were here.

From Tom.

1926: A crowd of happy youngsters chase Father Christmas along a London street whilst on his way to a south London store to distribute presents.
(H.F. Davis/Topical Press Agency/Getty Images)

From Riley.

Today's Top Stories

Man with 5-inch Knife Stuck in Chest Orders Coffee

Aborted Fetus Found in Gift Box Under Christmas Tree

From Riley and Betty Bowers.

Homebound

Tonight On HGTV

From David.

Offensive Lines

[T]here are so many things to be offended by, are there not? Have you seen the news? The culture? Your Comcast bill? Your neighbor's yard? Can you even count all the personal affronts? The endless cavalcade of insulting wrongdoing? It really never ends.

I'm offended by all of those things and more, but rarely by Mark Morford.

Odd Jobs

Quiz: Ten curiosities to identify

I only guessed one correctly.

From Peggy, who got all but one.

Odd Couple

From Tom.

Today's Top Story

Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer

From Colleen.

Trout Pouts and Cuddle Puddles

Noughtyisms: the best words of the decade

From Riley.

'Like a Turtle Humping a Shoe'

Chuck Norris Says Obama Wants Mary to Abort Jesus

If you want to put the Bible in schools but you think Mary might have aborted Jesus, if she didn't have to pay for it, you don't get to talk anymore. You are disinvited from an opinion on theology. You don't get to put toilet paper in the boys' room.

You're not a Christian. You're just an asshole. We get that a lot.

From Peggy.

Today's Top Story

The Hidden Magic of Henry Davis Sleeper's Beauport

From Peter and Laurie.

Overheard in the Holler

Lesbian neighbor (on phone): Hey, could you do me a favor?

Dan: Sure.

Neighbor: Inside my door there's an axe and a sledgehammer. Could you take them and put 'em outside my door somewhere no one can see 'em? A friend of mine is gonna come pick 'em up.

Dan: Oh, that's boring. I thought you were gonna ask me to kill someone for you.

'Let's Review'

"I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable."

I'd never heard of this song, but it sounds like a gem.

From David.

Measuring Up

The long and short of the matter.

From Derek, who's conducted extensive research.

Style Section

Kitschy, kitschy cool

Sophia Jacewicz showed off an iron lung designed for
people on the go in May 1942 at St. Anthony Hospital.

From Riley.

Snowbound

Photos by Dan.

Today's Top Story

Two dogs in Nebraska ate owner's corpse for two weeks
after suicide, cops say; pugs up for adoption

We have long joked about this scenario. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I don't think it would take that long for our absence to be noticed.

From Peggy.

Cover-up

For those who prefer an obstructed view.

From Derek.

News Dump

This just in ...

From Caroline.

Today's Top Story

Woman dines with cardboard cutout man in San Francisco

From Kristine.

Word of the Day

vigantic

From Stacey.

'Thanks, Uncle Greg!'

Get the upper hand in gift-giving this year.

From Derek.

Happy Sipping!

Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch

From Terry.

Today's Top Story

Nature's homosexual pin-ups

From Peggy.

'He May Appear Normal'

"One never knows when the homosexual is about."

From Riley, who's Friendly with a capital F.

Bad Rap

Best Abstinence Advice Ever

From Derek.

No Takers

This is all I need for Christmas.

For a brief period in childhood, I had an obsessive fear that I'd be kidnapped. At some point I watched a TV movie about Patty Hearst that made quite an impression, but I think this predated it.

My mother did not share my concern. "Who would want to kidnap you?" she said.

To this day, I'm not sure whether she was stressing the first word or the last, and therefore whether I was being comforted or mocked.

Brief Case

From Darlene.

Today's Top Story

Vain burglar sends newspaper new mugshot

From Colleen.

"The war in Afghanistan is like Larry King's show
- it's still going on, but no one knows why."

Andy Borowitz

'There Will Come a Limit'

100 things, leading to a single choice

I like to know where a road leads before I set out on a journey. Right now, one path I could take leads to a place I don't want to go.

I have a feeding tube and find the quantification pointless, but otherwise I share his philosophy.

Poached from Deb.

Overheard on the Subway

A D.C. friend heard this last week:

Teenage boy to teenage girl: Hey, how you baby?
Girl: It good; it gettin' big.
Boy: Word.

And a friend in Boston was moved to poetry:

crowded subway morn
woman sings a happy tune
everyone unnerved

The View From Here

Photo by Dan.

Toy Story

Butt Hollow has its first female resident.

The void left by Zap was so vast, it’s been even tougher to adjust to than I expected. Devo took it hardest of all, launching the most intensive hunger strike in his long and distinguished career.

About a month ago, we started to consider getting another dog. Conscience demanded a rescue, and we weren’t about to inflict a puppy on Devo, much less housebreak one. Far better, we thought, to adopt an older dog, maybe one that had been passed over for younger choices.

At first we ruled out Italian greyhounds, spooked by the idea of a Zap impersonator. But it was those toy-dog qualities that I was craving – the sociability and companionship – and we ended up coming full circle. I love Devo dearly, but he’s no lapdog. So we applied to IGCA Rescue, got approved to adopt, and last Sunday drove up to a small town in snow-covered northern Maryland and picked up our little girl.

With a name like Sparkle*, you’d think her previous owner was a small child or a gay man. She was neither. She was a middle-aged woman, an unlicensed breeder described by many as a dog hoarder. We were told Sparkle was bred twice a year. (“She’s a tired old whore, like us,” I said.) She entered the rescue system when authorities raided the place and plucked her and 15 others from the squalor. According to the rescue rep, it was the second time they’d shut the breeder down. Sparkle spent the next year in foster care as other dogs came and went.

Meeting her now, you’d never guess at her grim past. She’s a happy little thing, amazingly playful for an eight-year-old. Completely self-assured, she stands sentinel at the window, warding off people, other dogs, and squirrels with fierce growls and barks that belie her 14 pounds. She flirts with every visitor, and Dan says she’s the same on walks. One day it’ll be warm enough for me to see for myself.

So far, Devo’s the only one who hasn’t fully succumbed to Sparkle’s sparkle, but he’s coming along. In the meantime, his appetite is back.


*She's royalty, you know.

Today's Top Stories

Taliban attack Brit troops with explosive donkey

Child burned in bizarre 'redneck flamethrower' incident

Exploding Chewing Gum Blows Off Student's Jaw

From Pyrophile Peg.

Scenes From a Maul

Sketchy Santas

From Emily.

Jacquoff Gift Guide

Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock

Tank Limo Hire

Ferrets Go Fishing 2010 Calendar

"How to be a Man" and "How to be a Woman" Instructional Videos

Manties/Mantyhose

Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura Action Figures

Cheeseburger in a Can

The Worst Christmas Gifts

Thanks to David, Peggy, Melanie, Colleen, Derek, and Riley.

Christmas in Mississippi

From Curt.

Word of the Day

heavage

From Laurie.

Inspect Her Gadget

A friend received the following message today ... and promptly circulated it.

Date: Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 1:11 PM
Subject: Important!

Hi K,

I need to know soon, like today, the name of that device that has the fairly large screen that you move over with your hand...is that a Blackberry?

mom

'What the Freak?'

From the last SNL:

Gossip Girl Staten Island



Underground Festival

Altar Egos

Wedinator

"Trashing Your Special Day Is Our Prime Directive"

From Peggy.

No Amnety

The 50 Best Protest Signs Of 2009

From Emily Woo-Woo-Woolf.

Today's Top Story

James Lipton's beard protects teens' private parts in new PSAs

From Peggy.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's
children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Fran Lebowitz

What the Devil ...

Sign of the Day

Evidently the sport's nut's stole the druggie's' apostrophe.

From David.

Divine Inspiration

From Kristine.

Today's Top Stories

German granny crushed by falling Christmas tree

Alabama woman named Jesus Christ dropped
from jury pool after being disruptive

From Peggy and Riley.

Word of the Day

swaffelen

Source

Olden Girls

I'd watch this.

From Derek and Laurie.

Kate's Secret

6 Videos Celebrating Meredith Baxter on Her Big Gay Day

One minor quibble: Meredith was née Baxter, not Birney. Great collection, though.

From Kristine.

Hot off the Presses

In this photo taken Nov. 23, 2009, residue is seen on the bottom of
an electric iron at the home of Mary Jo Coady in Methuen, Mass. Coady
says an image of Jesus Christ that she sees in the pattern on the bottom
of the iron, which she first noticed a day earlier, has reassured her that
'life is going to be good.' (AP Photo/The Eagle-Tribune, Grant Morris)

From Riley.