Before the days of colonization, America was like a young, untouched child.
Students say the darnedest things.
From Riley.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Creative Writing
Students say the darnedest things.
From Riley.
Off and Running
No one expects their dog to instantaneously develop an extremely specific fear of horse statues, and I was unprepared for her reaction, which was to sprint powerfully in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, what the simple dog lacks in cognitive capacity, she makes up in ground speed, and her sudden fleeing yanked the leash from my hand.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Late Show
Recent favorites from Sleep Talkin' Man:
"Listen, it's not as if I put ear wax on my penis and shouted 'snake warts!' Okay?"
"Yeah, I love you. But in a not-really kind of way."
"Pee in my bed once, shame on you. Pee in my bed twice, I'm gonna rip out your bladder and use it as a football, you geriatric incontinent cock-slap."
"Watching you think is like watching a cat shovel shit with two broken paws. Painful, but I just can't stop watching."
"What a great way to start the day, talking about dog farts and placenta."
"The shit that comes out of your mouth is like vaginal discharge. Embarrassing and unpleasant, and also a sign of something possibly seriously wrong."
Subtext
Martin incorrectly surmised that the other boys would stop making fun of himonce they saw him on his new dragon broom.
Hilarity!
From Michael.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Whipping Boy
I've never named a single dog. Except for Zap, whom Dan named long before I entered the scene, they've all been rescues, and it didn't feel right to change something that fundamental, especially when the dog had been through such upheaval. Even if the name made me cringe.
Devo was named by his first owner. It's allegedly a common name for whippets, although we've only met one other. I got it right away, as does almost everyone who was an adolescent in the early '80s. I can't tell you how many strangers have urged our dog to "whip it good." He's even been serenaded.
The reference tends to be lost on older people; many just assume it's the male form of diva, which Devo is anything but. Alas, explanation doesn't always bring enlightenment. My mother once returned from a trip and announced: "I heard 'Devo' by The Whippets on the airplane!"
Our little rocker is 14 today and still whipping it good, albeit very sedately. Having ceded primary security duties to Sparkle, Devo's grown into an elegant old man, docile and sweeter than ever. He's spending this beautiful day dozing in the sun in between walks, looking forward to tonight's cheeseburger.
Devo was named by his first owner. It's allegedly a common name for whippets, although we've only met one other. I got it right away, as does almost everyone who was an adolescent in the early '80s. I can't tell you how many strangers have urged our dog to "whip it good." He's even been serenaded.
The reference tends to be lost on older people; many just assume it's the male form of diva, which Devo is anything but. Alas, explanation doesn't always bring enlightenment. My mother once returned from a trip and announced: "I heard 'Devo' by The Whippets on the airplane!"
Our little rocker is 14 today and still whipping it good, albeit very sedately. Having ceded primary security duties to Sparkle, Devo's grown into an elegant old man, docile and sweeter than ever. He's spending this beautiful day dozing in the sun in between walks, looking forward to tonight's cheeseburger.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The More You Know
A friend recently remarked to her mother that she'd never known an uncircumcised man.
Giggling nervously, Mom said: "Um ... actually, you do."
"What?! Who?"
Still tittering, her mother informed her that her father was intact.
"Ew, gross!" she exclaimed, suddenly sorry she'd raised the topic.
As she desperately tried to cleanse her mind, her mom added that her dad's oldest friend, a man she'd known all her life, was also uncut. The two had been born at the same hospital on the same day -- July 3 -- and one theory was that the snip doctor had been on vacation.
"His parents were probably too cheap to take him back and have it done later," said Mom.
Sharing the story with some of her gays the other day, my friend said: "At least now I know for sure he never tried to molest me. Because I would've remembered seeing the anteater."
Giggling nervously, Mom said: "Um ... actually, you do."
"What?! Who?"
Still tittering, her mother informed her that her father was intact.
"Ew, gross!" she exclaimed, suddenly sorry she'd raised the topic.
As she desperately tried to cleanse her mind, her mom added that her dad's oldest friend, a man she'd known all her life, was also uncut. The two had been born at the same hospital on the same day -- July 3 -- and one theory was that the snip doctor had been on vacation.
"His parents were probably too cheap to take him back and have it done later," said Mom.
Sharing the story with some of her gays the other day, my friend said: "At least now I know for sure he never tried to molest me. Because I would've remembered seeing the anteater."
Thursday, April 07, 2011
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