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Stuff No One Told Me

Today's Top Story

With his art, he roamed the world

I met Fred at a support group in San Francisco in late 1998 or early '99, when he and I were rookie members of Club ALS. Shortly thereafter, we both moved back to the East Coast to be nearer to family and friends. Although I never saw Fred again, we stayed in touch by email, bonded by politics, sexual orientation, and of course ALS. As the years passed and we both progressed, I took great comfort in knowing that he was still around.

Thanks to Dan.

Sweet Caroline

It's so nice having an aide who's thoughtful, sensitive, and professional; who's reliable and prompt, even in apocalyptic weather; who's always cheerful, never sullen; who tidies up instead of sitting around texting and watching TV shows in which everyone's screaming; who never asks to be paid early or in cash; who doesn't talk or sing to Jesus or quiz me about my religious views; and who wouldn't dream of asking "who's the man and who's the woman" in my relationship.

Mad Ave.

Twenty-Three Shockingly Sexist Vintage Ads

From Colleen.

Fourteen Candles

Photo by Tina.

Today's Top Story

Stone Age Carving: Ancient Dildo?

Source

Overheard in the Holler

On a late-evening walk a couple of days ago, Dan was convinced he saw a fox run across our path, even though both dogs and I somehow missed it.

Me: I always wondered what it would look like when it finally came.

Dan: When what came?

Me: The crazy.

Hell on Wheels

Bicycle

My dad pedaled slowly and safely around the block, doing his best to reassure me that bikes are fun and they are not dangerous satan beasts that want all of my blood.

Hilaire-ious

Cautionary Tales for Children

Matilda, Who told Lies, and was Burned to Death.

From Peggy.

Today's Top Story

Buffalo head falls, traps man snoozing in recliner

From Colleen.

Hot Wheels

Dan got a new car a couple of weeks ago. Today he found out why his department head wasn't as congratulatory as everyone else:

It turns out Todd’s mom has the same CR-V in the same color as mine. So it’s taken a while for him to get over the initial thoughts of dread that his mom is at the office when he drives into the parking lot. His 16 year old daughter asked him if she could have it when her Grandma dies. Upon reflection, she said: “never mind, it smells like old people.”

F.A.O. Wartz

Dolls That Will Keep You Up At Night

From Kristine.

Today's Top Stories

Her smile was a turnoff; she took his cash

SUV crashes during sex; woman claims carjacking led to crash

Source

Yeah, Write

Did you know ...

I write like
Arthur Conan Doyle

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

But also ...

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

And furthermore ...

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

After reading this, I submitted samples from a travelogue, an essay I did for a volume of ALS musings, and a rant I wrote after attending a congressional hearing on stem-cell research. They drew the above comparisons, respectively. The science is clearly flawless, so I'm either a masterfully versatile writer or a schizophrenic.

Thanks to Riley, Tom, and Kristine.

Master Pieces

Dicks Throughout Art History

From Tom.

'Nobody Is Safe'

I figured there was a counterpart to this.

From Terry, who can spot a flappychap at 30 paces.

Gibson Girl

The latest leaked recordings prompted this confession from a friend:

[My husband] and I are now in Mel raptures. We've found Mel-isms for every occasion. Example:

"Honey, could you turn that light off?"

"BLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MEEEEEEEEE!"

It's really put the spice back into our marriage. And I admit that it's the first time in my life that I've bellowed at anyone to blow me.

Today's Top Stories

Fired Woman Denies CEO's Claim
That 'Hostile' Fetus Had a 'Negative Agenda'

Horned Man Attempts to Murder Landlord with Minivan

From Peggy and Michael.

The Pits

I'd never heard of this show until Derek sent a link, noting: "It's got little people and pit bulls... I don't know which scares my friends more..."

Great Squat

Sustainable squatting in Bonnington Square

From Riley.

Today's Top Story

How methane is measured with a 'burp gun'

From Riley.

Old Yellow

On a sticky summer day, I find there's nothing quite so refreshing as pissing myself.

I didn't lose a full tank, but it was more than the usual dribble. Enough to make it under my flabby ass. Detrol had been helping for the past year or so, but it's no match for ALS.

I'm sure this happens to Brad Pitt all the time; we'll have to compare notes the next time he calls. By the way, did you notice he finally shaved off his chin pubes? The tabloids said he did it for a new role, but the truth is that I put my foot down and threatened to withhold certain services.

Dereliction of Doody

I'm not much of a Trekkie, but this cracked me up.

More here.

From Derek.

Off the Wall

From a friend's Facebook wall:

I saw your parents today. You dad had shorts on with a rope tied around them for a belt and your mom was wearing a bikini and a cooking apron. Seriously, they may need to go to Shady Acres Retirement Village soon!

I can't laugh too hard, thanks to my mom's habit of not changing outfits after gardening.

Today's Top Story

Cats were eating man, 74, found dead with mom

From Kristine.

Wake-up Call

We had a nice visit with an old friend this weekend, but the excitement level was a lot higher at another friend's house:

N and her husband were here over the weekend. N fell down the stairs carrying baby and was in horrible pain. Then at 5:45 this morning the baby pressed the panic button near his bed. I was dreaming that I was knocking down the garage but then realized it was a real noise and the alarm was going off. Ran to phone to call alarm company and find out how to turn if off. After about ten minutes they told me. In the interim the fire truck showed up with two volunteers in tank tops and shorts, lucky for them there was not a fire. Then a police car arrived and wanted to see everyone in the house. Their dog was howling, baby crying and cats under the bed. I refused, saying everyone was fine. Good times...

"Were the firemen hunky?" I asked.

"Not in the least," she replied. "Doughy, porcine local fellas with wife beaters. Ugh."

Showstopper

Lordy, lordy.

From Deb.

FYI

Six Reasons to Ride a Polar Bear to Work

Seven Reasons to Keep Your Tyrannosaur off Crack Cocaine

Source, by way of Tom

Today's Top Stories

Disabled man given a three-year ban
for being drunk in charge of a mobility scooter

Scientists to present car for blind drivers next year

From Peggy and Marty.

"It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense

than to put out on the troubled sea of thought."

John Kenneth Galbraith

Fundamentals of Biology

The situation isn't as bad as I thought. It's worse.

Source

House Cootie-ful

Ugly Sofa contest

From Riley.

Today's Top Story

Penis cucumber saved from the chop

Source

Word of the Day

dukhan

Read the linked article, then watch the video from 5:50:

Overheard in My Teens

Mom: Oh my god, that dog is sopping wet. Someone's gonna have to give him a blow-dry job.

Me (smirking): Um ... okay. Do you wanna do it, or should I?

Mom (glaring): That's disgusting!

Me: You said it; I didn't.

Source, via Terry

Today's Top Story

I’ll Take a Scoop of Prosciutto, Please

From HoHo.

Today's Top Story

Man Who Installed TV With Gun Accidentally Killed Wife

Word of the Day

ghosting

Quibbling Rivalry

"Did I tell you she trod on my finger?"

From Derek.

Stuck on You

A gripping new idea for taking a bite out of crime.

From Peggy and Terry.

From David.