"Stick Magnetic Ribbons on Your SUV"

Sometimes humor has a sharper bite than straight criticism.

Full Boar Ahead

My uncle was thrown from his motorbike the other day when he swerved to avoid a wild boar.

He's the only person I know who would give me the occasion to write that sentence. In a family that's produced more than its share of colorful characters, Philippe is a standout.

Aside from the occasional brush with death, he leads a fairly charmed existence. Semiretired in Tuscany, he lives in an ancient hilltop farmhouse surrounded by vineyards, olive groves, forests, and a funny little menagerie. It's an open-air museum of Roman and Etruscan history, and the stupendous views include a glimpse of Dante's summer home. So idyllic is the setting, Philippe left San Francisco for it.

This was not his first motoring mishap. A few years ago, driving a load of books to his office, he rolled his car. (A harlequin edition VW Polo, it's a traffic stopper even when it's right side up.) That time the swerve was provoked not by wildlife but by another indigenous phenomenon: a shrine to the Blessed Virgin. Having seen it myself, I can testify that its placement is bizarre and dangerous, jutting distinctly into the road. In Greek mythology the Sirens lured sailors to their deaths, but in modern-day Italy the deed is done by plastic Marys. (Ironically, those shrines tend to be erected at the sites of fatal accidents.)

Fate permitting, Philippe will be 70 next month. He hasn't slowed down much, and he retains my lifelong admiration. I just hope he'll pay careful attenzione as he careens down the road. Because the lesson is clear: If Mary doesn't get you, she might send a boar to do the job.

Noteworthy Names

The latest installment from the ever-growing list of names that have caught my eye:

Geneve Bacon
Aquanetta Gordon
Summer Madrid Smith
September Bottenfield
Amber Boffo Rickhoff
Starchild Abraham Cherrix
Purvis, Elzoria, and Zenobia Bruce
Nathalene and Vernita Faggart
Marlon Brando Gill
Rhodesia Broadnax
Queenester Williams
Heidi Arp-Muckler
Patricia Beachboard Faith
Hazel Brown
(Mrs.) Letchet Brown
Angeline Keister
Berkeley Muse
Turner McNeal Bumbary
Joy Hammers
Ruby Sheetz
Ruby White
Ruby, Winston, and Bertha Beavers
Adelicia Cheatham
Dieter and Twila Blume
Zachary and Diamond Zetty
Dottie Dilts
Herbert Hamburger
Peter Pizza
Fannie Wise
Tawny Hays
Erin Herrin
Dallas, Wanda, and Ila Clem
Genie Foote
Mona Fink
Yetta Fink
Dafna Gakner
Rita Hornyak
MacArthur "Boom Boom" Barber
Oral Butcher
Forrest Painter
Pier Charter
Stetson Tinkham
Loh-Lee Low
Denisha Dempster
Capathia Jenkins
Finley Bugg
(Mr.) Sage Brocklebank
Rhett Butler, insurance agent
Cinnamon Bowser
Latasha Bowser
Verleen Strong
Rider King Strong
Molly B. Goodenough
Stanley Stemp
Gonzetta Burns
Ormond G. Sexton IV
Leroy Hoole
Hazel Hoyle
Monet Spears
Rev. Albertus Bagley Sr.
Wilmer and Elmer Dittman (brothers)
Azalea Ruffin
Pansy McClanahan
Daisy Cherry Maggett
Johnny Suit
Bishop Ozey Lee Thorpe and his twin sister, Okedelia
(Ms.) Trellis L. Waxler, Ph.D.
Lundus Bazemore
Delma Day
Daphne Dentz
Chuck Yob
Chuck Hummer
Napoleon and Fannie Mantilla
Dexter Filkins
Basil Grillo
Lacy Craft
Velvaleen Flannagan
Harmony Ziegler
Misty Steinberger
Octavius Boddie III
M. Belmont VerStandig
Dotson Rader
Lyric Wallwork Winik
(Mr.) Doxy J. Holt
(Mrs.) Lovely H. Rice
Dotsie Mae Rice
Condoleezza Rice
Twila Mae Buttery
Hilda Mae Snoops
Hugh Glukenhous
Mittie Pettaway
Wanda Queen
Queen Street
Queen and Major Douglas
Dawn Valentine
Raulphard Black, Jr.
Rev. Waitstill Sharp
Artemis Joukowsky III
Dr. Mauricio Goldenberg
Ricardo Nixon
Earlene Capers
Curlene Coleman
Virginia Gass
Barbara Ann Lumpkins
Lyman J. Umstead
Candy Tartt
Candy Sneed
Mortimer and Skeets Dittenhofer
Susan Dittenhofer Crickenberger
Kelvin Keith Kiebler
Luvenia Ray
Tubby Stottlemyer
Dieter Funiciello
(Mr.) Ossie K. LaRode
Bland Brockenborough
Sadie Ricketts
Mildred Wampler
Congressman Zach Wamp
DeTonda Clinkscale
Makayla Bottoms
Myrlmarie Farrell
Marthajane Fuss
Velvena Ann Smalls
Donovan Q. Zook
Zachary T. Glamp
Zachary Zetts
Shelva Boggs
Brazil Smith
Cherylene “Twiggy” Billue
Tallulah Fyfe Dempsey
Lula Fones
Wellman Albea Hill
(The late) Yternity Hughley
Manley Pope
Quartella Towles
Willie Wanzer
(Mrs.) Laburne P. Neighbors
Rosie May
Velvet Medlock-Graham
Bear Estrada
Marlys Reedy Meadows
Viona B. Yutzey
Alfreda Alfred
Constantina Batchelor
Lottie "Luvs" Batchelor
Yvette Boykin Chin
Phyllis Rotter Goozh
Dexter Tuthill
(Mr.) Algie Wells
Wannetta Thrift
LaRetta Franz
Michael Fronckel
AlMalik Witherspoon
(Ms.) Starshine Roshell
(Ms.) Sunday Abraham
(Miss) Delight Walker
Maxine A. Crook (and grandchildren Dakota and Cheyenne Crook-Wean)
Ruth Cleverly Klick
McKinley Peebles
Hattie Pursglove
Rusty Featherstone

Cock-a-doodle

Test your skills of embellishment. I bet you can do a lot better than I did.

Showdown in Suburbia

A white-haired woman with a walker keeps tearing by. Back and forth. I might have to roll out there and challenge her to a drag race.

She's surprisingly speedy, but I bet I could take her. And if I couldn't, I could just run her off the sidewalk. I'll teach you, Loretta.

So Much So Fast

I saw the most amazing film today.

So Much So Fast is a documentary that tells two parallel stories. Stephen Heywood, three years younger than me, was diagnosed with ALS at age 29. The film follows him and his family as the disease progresses, and it's the fullest, most candid presentation I've seen. (Granted, there's no ALS category at the Oscars, but at this point the topic's been addressed quite a few times on the big and small screens.)

The second storyline is about the ALS Therapy Development Foundation, established by Jamie Heywood, who refused to accept that there was no cure for his brother. The group has since become a powerhouse in ALS research. Its sense of urgency is appreciated by all of us who stand to benefit.

If you want an honest and accurate look at what it's like to live with ALS, check this one out. You can sign up through the first link above to be notified when it'll be screened near you. And don't worry: Stephen's still alive when the curtain goes down.

That Ain't English

You know what I hate just as much as "nucular"? When Bush says "September the 11th," which seems to happen every few minutes.

"September 11th," yes. "The 11th of September," also fine. But "September the 11th" -- what is that? Not English.

You'd think a staff full of speechwriters and other advisers would say something. But then, they probably gave up long ago.

True Family Values

My master's thesis was on the dangers of politicizing family values. In today's Washington Post, E.J. Dionne says, "We need to have a long talk" about this.

Another Day, Another Eviction

Suburban doors often sport things like Indian corn and wreaths, depending on the season. We follow a different drummer in Parkfairfax, where notices of eviction and condemnation are common adornments. The festive sheets are slapped up prominently -- like a kid's jack-o'-lantern decal, but more sinister.

I've lived in several major cities, and occasionally I'd notice someone's belongings in a heap at the curb. But I never saw a condemnation until I moved to the 'burbs. Last year two units were condemned after a fire. Then they packed away a hoarder. This time it was a paranoid schizophrenic and her elderly father.

She would skulk around the neighborhood wearing a ski parka in the middle of summer, scrawling obscenities on the bus shelters. And I heard she once dropped her pants in the management office to convey that she had a plumbing issue in need of attention. The final straw was when she and her father became convinced that they were being spied on through a wall. Their response was to strike said wall with heavy objects, vigorously and at length. Understandably, the next-door neighbor did not appreciate this. But then, he wasn't being spied on.

The notice on their door says the unit is "unfit for human habitation" but unfortunately doesn't provide details. I must know more.

Just Like Candid Camera

But without Allen Funt.

And in a booth.