That Dog Won't Hunt

But it will shoot. The perfect sporting companion for Dick Cheney.

Ladies of the Night

One year I attended the High Heel Race (as a spectator, not a contestant) wearing a red plaid jumper. I was supposed to be a Catholic schoolgirl, but not many people got it. Maybe I should have worn tights. Or at least shaved.

On the way home, I stopped at the local bodega to get a copy of the latest Playgirl, having heard that a guy from Arlington was featured in a spread on sexy firemen. (I was not disappointed.)

The middle-aged Korean clerk seemed slightly flustered and offered me a paper bag. "That's very kind," I replied, "but I'm already wearing a dress and carrying a pocketbook, so I don't really care."

My roommate was mortified.

Good times.

Joyride

A nice brisk bike ride can be so stimulating.

Snapshots

A correspondent submitted links to two articles today. They have nothing to do with each other, yet together they make a fascinating glimpse into modern American culture.

• Exhibit A
• Exhibit B

"Why not go out on a limb? That's where the fruit is."

Will Rogers

Now We Know

10 Most Bizarre Scientific Papers

Peter was born premature, suffered several early hospitalizations and surgical operations, and at 2 months of age was removed from his mother's care by Social Services for neglect and abandonment. When feeling endangered, Peter had developed a defensive olfactive container using his bodily smell and farts to envelop himself in a protective cloud of familiarity against the dread of falling apart, and to hold his personality together.

And some people say science is dry.

Noteworthy Names

(Mr.) Curry Palm
Dirk Van Dongen
Dick Pound
Nita Bunn
Bud Force
Sunny Shine
Eagle Egilsson
Rose Queen
Myrtle Wines
Amanda Hunt
Rusty Smathers
Totsie Bolger
Harry Chin
(Ms.) E. Lovely Houston
Visandria Shorts
Jock Stirrup (British military chief)
Harrison Dickler
Poppy Gardener
Daisy Withers
Mary Miss
Orsdell Forehand
Sue Strong Keener (sister: Lynne Strong Agree)
Mayfield Ertzinger
Bonita Mann
Diana Roth
R. Beecher "Rufus" Butts
Autumn Rose
Rose Rosenbloom
(Master) Ikea Barbour
Butch Birch
Brandy Blizzard
Mary Cherry
Pearl Merchant
Sequoia Krafchow
Lavonzella Siggers
Joan Collins
(Mr.) Linear T. Jefferson
Connor Titman
Sgt. Pride Rivers
Rayman Boozer
Sandee Byrne
Matt Dillon
Gloria Swanson
Prof. Harsh Pant
Turkessa Branch
Milady Welch
Tuva Welp
Peter Barrier
Fannie Key
Lois Lane
Martha Stewart
Vaster Q. Bridgewater
Ina Seifart
Bruno Slagmulder

Meow

The cattiest exchange I've ever heard.

Don't Fence Me In

Top twelve great escapes

"My Greasy Lover"

An ode to bacon.

Barer Bond

On the standard Edinburgh bus tour (which I highly recommend), as you pass the College of Art, the guide will inform you that Sean Connery used to pose as a nude model when he was young and poor.

Now the fruit of some students' labors is on display. Unfortunately, Sir Sean's fruit is coyly concealed.

Can You See Me Now?

What a great idea -- assuming Japanese criminals are blind and/or dumb.

What Goes Around

Reading this article felt a bit like eating a pound cake in one sitting.

Dickie, as he's known to his handful of friends, acquired a mean streak at an early age, according to his now-deceased sister, Cordelia Scaife. (She once told The Washington Post that she and her brother hadn't spoken for 25 years.) His trouble with alcohol started when he was at prep school, and he later was tossed out of Yale when he rolled a keg of beer down a flight of stairs and broke the legs of a fellow student. His father, a below-average businessman, died a year after Richard graduated from the University of Pittsburgh. His mother was "just a gutter drunk," as Cordelia put it.

Tricky Treat

Halloween Hangman.

I made it to 600.

Hand in Hand

Ten years ago, I was walking through Greenwich Village when my attention was caught by something in a shop window. It was a T-shirt depicting Princess Diana and Mother Teresa in Heaven, their gauzy, beatific visages crowned by halos. It was mesmerizing.

Now there's this, sure to become a sine qua non in red-state décor.

Sticky Situation

So I'm guessing cats aren't revered in Japan.

Jackals on the Move

Book of Revelations

Actors Studio host Lipton was a pimp in France

Losing Their Marbles

Actually, they're just going downhill.

Hogwarts and All

JK Rowling outs Dumbledore as gay

Show your solidarity here.

On the Job

How to Get a Man to Wash His Hands

Immodest Proposal

Extreme prankery.

Big Idea

I'll be curious to know if this works.

A 1cm-long juvenile boxfish swims in the Celebes Sea, just off the Philippines.

Bogged Down

Many people never grow up, but it's rare to find someone stuck at birth.

The Black Sheep

Is white sometimes.

I guess you wouldn't call these two kissing cousins.

Signs of Humor

Look here first. Then here.

Relax

It's just a magnet.

Painted Ladies

And gentlemen. Pierced ones too. Sorry I missed this elegant assemblage.

Things That Vex Me

This category is so vast, I could easily post something daily for the rest of my life and never run out. For starters:

Those new retro Mustangs. Why not just wear a T-shirt reading: "I'm having a midlife crisis and want to relive my youth, but I can't be bothered to buy the real thing, so I'll settle for this fake one." That would be a lot cheaper and no more transparent. Logically, New Beetles should bother me just as much, but for some reason they don't. Maybe 'cause they're cute.

Ken Burns's hair. Surely the guy can afford a salon cut, so what gives? Did he have a traumatic barbershop experience that left him emotionally unable to move beyond his childhood coif? It's a curious blind spot for someone who's made his reputation on visual impressions.

The Last Word

This snarky little quiz made me smile. I even did fairly well.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I heard about this guy on "Countdown" the other day. "Prosthetic selfhood"? "Alternate anatomical architectures"? I don't get it -- especially the "art" part.

Family Values

A Cut Above

I'm impressed.

Oxy Morons

Another proud, shining example of compassionate conservatism. Check out the video.

Sir Edna

Queen awards Humphries CBE

Me First

Funny Girls

“When we lived together in Chalk Farm she had a room at the top of the house. We got broken into and the police said,
'Well, it is quite bad, but the worst is that room at the top.' And, of course, nobody had been in there. She used to be up to her knees in old pants. Something changed when she had the kids. She got organised. Now she can’t stop sweeping.”

French and Saunders look back.

"I really appreciate the Lancaster Chamber of Commerce for giving me an opportunity to explain why I have made some of the decisions I have made. My job is a decision-making job. And as a result, I make a lot of decisions. And it's important for me to have an opportunity to speak to you and others who would be listening about the basis on which I have made decisions, to explain the philosophy behind some of the decisions I have made."

George W. Bush, a.k.a. "The Decider"

Non, Merci

I might attend an "Ask Mitt Anything" session just to pose the obvious question: "Why are you such a douche bag?"

The Writing on the Wall

A very literal example of outsider art.

What Would Jesus Watch?

YouTube can be a little raunchy, I grant you, but I'm not sure it needed a "Christian answer." Who doesn't love a good Rapture video, though? Or a gem like this?

Do you think they know about XTube?

Buff in the Rough

Suddenly golf seems more appealing.

A statue of the ancient Egyptian god of the dead, Anubis, passes under London's Tower Bridge to herald the opening of an exhibition of artifacts from the tomb of Tutankhamen.

That Thing I Do

jactitation \jak-tuh-TAY-shun\ noun : a tossing to and fro or jerking and twitching of the body

Didn't See That Coming

Another ad you'll never see on American TV.

"There is nothing harder than the softness of indifference."

Juan Montalvo

Suffer the Little Childrens

Paul Krugman on conservatives' curious sense of humor.

Ig Nobility

Bottomless soup bowls and hamsters on Viagra? That could mean only one thing: this year's Ig Nobels have been announced.

Story here. Official site here.

Portrait of a Lady

"Unassuming and bird-like in appearance, latterly cared for by a nurse, ... she gave no hint of her extraordinary past."

Sounds like me, I know, but it's actually Lady Katherine Brandram.

Do You Jacquoff?

Of course you do; you wouldn't be reading this otherwise. The real question is whether you enjoy it.

If anything I've posted has made you laugh -- even in a sad, hopeless, or demented way -- please consider sponsoring me for the Walk to D'Feet ALS. It's a great cause that's near and dear to me for obvious reasons, and it's the only annual occasion when I beg. (Unless you count attention, which I seek incessantly.)

Many of you have already given generously, for which I'm profoundly thankful. The rest of you can find your way into the warm embrace of my gratitude by clicking here.

Brushing Up on Parenthood

Orphaned hedgehogs adopt cleaning brush as their mother

Don't Cry for Me, Anne Arundel

Samuel Chew was not thy average Quaker. Not only was his crib bigger than the Governor's Palace, he owned 140 slaves.

Verily, I am shocked.

A for Ambition

Is this for real?

The Last Days of an Empire

The title says it all:

Lazy-Ass Nation

The gold standard of dubious laborsaving devices is the Clapper, from Joseph Enterprises.... This fall, the company is launching the Clapper Plus. With its wireless remote, the new Clapper is a Clapper for people who can't even be bothered to clap. In its review of the product, even the technophilic Web site Gizmodo.com was moved to remark, "WTF?"

First Blush

Pervert! Get your mind out of the gutter and keep watching.

Endives and Ethics

It's like some sort of drug, something warm and happy and dangerous and visceral they inject into the lighting system or mist all over the carefully constructed mountains of pornographic produce or slather all over the nearly religious seafood and meat departments because, oh my sweet Jesus with a Le Creuset ramekin and 10 pounds of artisanal Gruyere, there really is something frighteningly addictive about the glorious hellbeast grocerypalooza known as Whole Foods.

Mark Morford ponders the company's influence on business and culture.

Candidate Calculator

According to this handy resource, Dennis Kucinich is my man. While that might be true intellectually, it ain't gonna happen.

"A Little Bit Rude"

I wouldn't skip over commercials if they were all this clever.

A street cafe in Paris on a January night in 1929. (Fox Photos/Getty Images)