Friday, April 30, 2010
Overheard in the Holler
Michael: I'm now Facebook friends with all of your brothers.
Dan: Facebook is so gay.
Overheard by: Morris Alanisette
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Party Politics
[T]his, my friends, is what white privilege is all about. The ability to threaten others, to engage in violent and incendiary rhetoric without consequence, to be viewed as patriotic and normal no matter what you do, and never to be feared and despised as people of color would be, if they tried to get away with half the shit we do, on a daily basis.From Derek.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Late Show
More recent favorites from Sleep Talkin' Man:
"You try so hard, and you fall so short. Just give up, numbnuts. It will save you a lifetime of pain and shame. Your life: fail."
"I've got you by the balls. An uncomfortable situation for both of us.... but one I'm going to savor."
"You really are life's wet patch. An embarrassing little stain that no one wants to admit to.... or sleep on."
Passion Fruit
The ALS Association was half right when it said these were my two passions in life. But my friends know me better:
By the way, I took a tour of the grounds of St. E's [mental hospital] on Saturday with my friend Brian, via the DC Preservation League. It was something that I thought you would enjoy because it joined two of your passions: architecture and crazy people. We weren't allowed in any of the vacant buildings, but the grounds were splendid and the view of the District, Virginia and Maryland from the bluff was spectacular.That does sound enjoyable.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Overheard at the Lake
Dan's dad, peering into a carton of key lime ice cream: What's the brown stuff? It looks like shit.
Dan's mom, laughing: It's graham cracker.
Overheard by: Cracker Jack
Dan's mom, laughing: It's graham cracker.
Overheard by: Cracker Jack
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dog Day Afternoon
A warm, sunny day on vacation with his pack ... boat ride ... cheeseburgers for dinner ... federal and state tax refunds ... What more could a whippet want on his 13th birthday?
Photo by Danny Leibovitz.
Photo by Danny Leibovitz.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I add frowny faces to texts that people expect smiley faces on. Just to be confusing: "Can't wait to see you! :("Jordan Rubin
Talk to Me
Voices preloaded on our TomTom:
"Richard"
"Bonnie"
"Lori"
"Susan"
Voices available for download:
Homer Simpson
Mr. T
Burt Reynolds
Dennis Hopper
Voices I wish were available:
"Richard"
"Bonnie"
"Lori"
"Susan"
Voices available for download:
Homer Simpson
Mr. T
Burt Reynolds
Dennis Hopper
Voices I wish were available:
Jon Hamm
Kathleen Turner
Liev Schreiber
Kathleen Turner
Liev Schreiber
Isabella Rossellini
Alec Baldwin
Cary Grant
Zsa Zsa Gabor/Arianna Huffington (same thing, really)
Harvey Fierstein
Harvey Fierstein
Wanda Sykes
Barbara Billingsley
Jeff Stryker
Cartman
Voices that would drive me mad:
Wolf Blitzer
Cartman
Voices that would drive me mad:
Wolf Blitzer
Chris Matthews
Estelle Costanza
Gilbert Gottfried
Fran Drescher
Estelle Costanza
Gilbert Gottfried
Fran Drescher
Sarah Palin
Victoria Jackson
Victoria Jackson
Paul Lynde
Alex Trebek
Charo
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Road Worriers
We're at the Iglfolks' for the week.
We had two new companions on the drive down: Sparkle and a TomTom GPS unit. Sparkle was quite good, except for periodic little anxiety attacks. It must be stressful not to know where you're going, especially when you've been wrenched from the only two homes you've known. But, then, how to explain Devo's love of road trips?
The GPS was also largely well behaved, except for twice, mysteriously, attempting to detour us. Clearly the system had been hacked into by evildoers. Had we been gullible enough to follow, there's not a doubt in my mind that we would have been raped and carjacked, our bodies dumped in a tobacky field, blood oozing from the gashes where our kidneys had been cut out. But they didn't count on the street smarts gleaned from my longtime "Law & Order" habit. Better luck next time.
Aside from some slight nagging, I was surprised by how mild mannered the TomTom was. Nary a trace of recrimination if you didn't do what it said. I guess that's why they're so popular. If I designed one, I'd make it thin skinned, needy, vindictive. Don't want to follow my advice? Suit yourself, Columbus. But don't come crying to me when you find yourself up Shit Creek.
Near Richmond we saw a car with antique plates being ferried on a flatbed trailer like a rare and prized collectible. It was a Chevy Vega.
Late in the trip, "Eight Miles Wide" came up on the iPod and I had an epiphany: "It's Sparkle's song!"
As we savored the raunchy lyrics, Dan suggested: "You should play it for my parents and see if they notice."
"I'll put it on the intercom," I said, remembering they'd installed an iPod dock. (Haven't done it yet, but I have three days left.)
The weather's been perfect, and we're having a great time -- no one more than Sparkle, who is every bit the mistress of her new domain.
We had two new companions on the drive down: Sparkle and a TomTom GPS unit. Sparkle was quite good, except for periodic little anxiety attacks. It must be stressful not to know where you're going, especially when you've been wrenched from the only two homes you've known. But, then, how to explain Devo's love of road trips?
The GPS was also largely well behaved, except for twice, mysteriously, attempting to detour us. Clearly the system had been hacked into by evildoers. Had we been gullible enough to follow, there's not a doubt in my mind that we would have been raped and carjacked, our bodies dumped in a tobacky field, blood oozing from the gashes where our kidneys had been cut out. But they didn't count on the street smarts gleaned from my longtime "Law & Order" habit. Better luck next time.
Aside from some slight nagging, I was surprised by how mild mannered the TomTom was. Nary a trace of recrimination if you didn't do what it said. I guess that's why they're so popular. If I designed one, I'd make it thin skinned, needy, vindictive. Don't want to follow my advice? Suit yourself, Columbus. But don't come crying to me when you find yourself up Shit Creek.
Near Richmond we saw a car with antique plates being ferried on a flatbed trailer like a rare and prized collectible. It was a Chevy Vega.
Late in the trip, "Eight Miles Wide" came up on the iPod and I had an epiphany: "It's Sparkle's song!"
As we savored the raunchy lyrics, Dan suggested: "You should play it for my parents and see if they notice."
"I'll put it on the intercom," I said, remembering they'd installed an iPod dock. (Haven't done it yet, but I have three days left.)
The weather's been perfect, and we're having a great time -- no one more than Sparkle, who is every bit the mistress of her new domain.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Sir Reality
As we contemplated IG rescue last year, Dan read me the description of a dog that sounded promising. When he told me its name, what he said was "Tippy," but what I heard was "Tippi," and what I pictured was this:
*Not valid in Florida or New Jersey.
That's how gay I am.
Seriously, though, wouldn't that scene be hilarious with a pack of skinny little dogs being chased by the birds? No! With Tippi and the children being chased by flying IGs! Brilliant!
Naturally, I was disappointed to learn the dog's real name. (We never found out how he got it. He wasn't missing a leg, so maybe vertigo? A drinking problem?) But I'm hardly a stranger to disillusionment. For years David and Christie Brinkley lived happily in my mind as father and daughter (he was quite proud of her) until the evening Dan and Marty rudely informed me otherwise.
I'm constantly reminded that the version of reality outside my head tends to be far less colorful than its counterpart within. Not always, but often.* And that makes me feel sorry for you.
Here's something I just found that we can all appreciate:
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Overheard on Pennsylvania Avenue
Joyce, nodding: There's the Capitol.
Doug: The capitol of what?
Overheard by: Me
Overheard on L Street
Me, stepping into taxi: The Capitol, please.
Driver: What's the address?
Me: Um ... the U.S. Capitol? The big, white building with the dome? I don't think it has an address, actually.
This happened 18 or 19 years ago, but it remains a favorite. I had to direct him across town.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Captivated
Messages like this make my day:
[A mutual friend] called me this morning with a story that is just too funny. Her oldest daughter is a social worker who has a friend who works with Child Protective Services out on the Eastern Shore. This woman’s son has Down Syndrome and called her on Friday to tell her that there was a troll in the house. She told him he was imagining it and there is no such thing as trolls. He called her back 3 more times to say there was a troll in the house and she needed to come home and help him, she told him to stop watching TV as he was confusing reality with what he was watching.From Colleen.
So then she gets a call from the police because the son had called 911. She told them that he had Down’s and that he was imagining the troll—they said they knew that but had to investigate anyway. So then they call her back to tell her that when they got to the house the son took them into his bedroom where he had barricaded a whole bunch of furniture in front of his closet. When they finally opened the closet door they found a midget (excuse me, Little Person). He was a Jehovah’s Witness who had come to the door and the son freaked out when he saw him and grabbed him and locked him in the closet.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Friday, April 02, 2010
Tory* Spelling
*I know, they think they're anti-Tories. But they're not. Besides, I couldn't resist.
From Michael, who calls it "teabonics."
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