Today's Top Story

The Dumbest Quotes Of The 2000s

Source

Breaking News

The End of the 00s: Noted, Without Noteworthiness

From David.

Today's Top Stories

Woman Flashes, Gets Hit by Car

Drunk 4-Year-Old Steals Christmas Presents

CCTV Released of Bizarre 'Bum Smelling' Shopper

Kerrville Woman Calls 911 to Report Husband Won't Eat Dinner

Source

Bill of Rights

"Beware of whores who say they don't want money."

William S. Burroughs's Words of Advice for Young People. Text version here. Good stuff.

From Riley.

How's It Hangin'?

Just as nature intended, thanks.

From Tom.

Full Disclosure

From Peggy.

Today's Top Story

Fargo News Reporter Falls For Oldest Trick In Book

From Caroline.

(732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Texts From Last Night

Hang 'Em High

Some destinations are the stuff of dreams, others the stuff of nightmares.


From Derek, who's been.

Lard Have Mercy

I guess there really is a blog for everything. Case in point: Mr. Baconpants.

From Laurie.

Holy Ghost

Billboard depicting Mary, Joseph in bed defaced

From Colleen.

Today's Top Story

The Wisdom of a Four-Legged Elder

From Florence.

Crown Jewel

Great site.

From Terry, who's back in Oklahoma for the occasion.

Having a Ball

Wish you were here.

From Tom.

1926: A crowd of happy youngsters chase Father Christmas along a London street whilst on his way to a south London store to distribute presents.
(H.F. Davis/Topical Press Agency/Getty Images)

From Riley.

Today's Top Stories

Man with 5-inch Knife Stuck in Chest Orders Coffee

Aborted Fetus Found in Gift Box Under Christmas Tree

From Riley and Betty Bowers.

Homebound

Tonight On HGTV

From David.

Offensive Lines

[T]here are so many things to be offended by, are there not? Have you seen the news? The culture? Your Comcast bill? Your neighbor's yard? Can you even count all the personal affronts? The endless cavalcade of insulting wrongdoing? It really never ends.

I'm offended by all of those things and more, but rarely by Mark Morford.

Odd Jobs

Quiz: Ten curiosities to identify

I only guessed one correctly.

From Peggy, who got all but one.

Odd Couple

From Tom.

Today's Top Story

Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer

From Colleen.

Trout Pouts and Cuddle Puddles

Noughtyisms: the best words of the decade

From Riley.

'Like a Turtle Humping a Shoe'

Chuck Norris Says Obama Wants Mary to Abort Jesus

If you want to put the Bible in schools but you think Mary might have aborted Jesus, if she didn't have to pay for it, you don't get to talk anymore. You are disinvited from an opinion on theology. You don't get to put toilet paper in the boys' room.

You're not a Christian. You're just an asshole. We get that a lot.

From Peggy.

Today's Top Story

The Hidden Magic of Henry Davis Sleeper's Beauport

From Peter and Laurie.

Overheard in the Holler

Lesbian neighbor (on phone): Hey, could you do me a favor?

Dan: Sure.

Neighbor: Inside my door there's an axe and a sledgehammer. Could you take them and put 'em outside my door somewhere no one can see 'em? A friend of mine is gonna come pick 'em up.

Dan: Oh, that's boring. I thought you were gonna ask me to kill someone for you.

'Let's Review'

"I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable."

I'd never heard of this song, but it sounds like a gem.

From David.

Measuring Up

The long and short of the matter.

From Derek, who's conducted extensive research.

Style Section

Kitschy, kitschy cool

Sophia Jacewicz showed off an iron lung designed for
people on the go in May 1942 at St. Anthony Hospital.

From Riley.

Snowbound

Photos by Dan.

Today's Top Story

Two dogs in Nebraska ate owner's corpse for two weeks
after suicide, cops say; pugs up for adoption

We have long joked about this scenario. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but I don't think it would take that long for our absence to be noticed.

From Peggy.

Cover-up

For those who prefer an obstructed view.

From Derek.

News Dump

This just in ...

From Caroline.

Today's Top Story

Woman dines with cardboard cutout man in San Francisco

From Kristine.

Word of the Day

vigantic

From Stacey.

'Thanks, Uncle Greg!'

Get the upper hand in gift-giving this year.

From Derek.

Happy Sipping!

Furious Cousins' World Famous Holiday Punch

From Terry.

Today's Top Story

Nature's homosexual pin-ups

From Peggy.

'He May Appear Normal'

"One never knows when the homosexual is about."

From Riley, who's Friendly with a capital F.

Bad Rap

Best Abstinence Advice Ever

From Derek.

No Takers

This is all I need for Christmas.

For a brief period in childhood, I had an obsessive fear that I'd be kidnapped. At some point I watched a TV movie about Patty Hearst that made quite an impression, but I think this predated it.

My mother did not share my concern. "Who would want to kidnap you?" she said.

To this day, I'm not sure whether she was stressing the first word or the last, and therefore whether I was being comforted or mocked.

Brief Case

From Darlene.

Today's Top Story

Vain burglar sends newspaper new mugshot

From Colleen.

"The war in Afghanistan is like Larry King's show
- it's still going on, but no one knows why."

Andy Borowitz

'There Will Come a Limit'

100 things, leading to a single choice

I like to know where a road leads before I set out on a journey. Right now, one path I could take leads to a place I don't want to go.

I have a feeding tube and find the quantification pointless, but otherwise I share his philosophy.

Poached from Deb.

Overheard on the Subway

A D.C. friend heard this last week:

Teenage boy to teenage girl: Hey, how you baby?
Girl: It good; it gettin' big.
Boy: Word.

And a friend in Boston was moved to poetry:

crowded subway morn
woman sings a happy tune
everyone unnerved

The View From Here

Photo by Dan.

Toy Story

Butt Hollow has its first female resident.

The void left by Zap was so vast, it’s been even tougher to adjust to than I expected. Devo took it hardest of all, launching the most intensive hunger strike in his long and distinguished career.

About a month ago, we started to consider getting another dog. Conscience demanded a rescue, and we weren’t about to inflict a puppy on Devo, much less housebreak one. Far better, we thought, to adopt an older dog, maybe one that had been passed over for younger choices.

At first we ruled out Italian greyhounds, spooked by the idea of a Zap impersonator. But it was those toy-dog qualities that I was craving – the sociability and companionship – and we ended up coming full circle. I love Devo dearly, but he’s no lapdog. So we applied to IGCA Rescue, got approved to adopt, and last Sunday drove up to a small town in snow-covered northern Maryland and picked up our little girl.

With a name like Sparkle*, you’d think her previous owner was a small child or a gay man. She was neither. She was a middle-aged woman, an unlicensed breeder described by many as a dog hoarder. We were told Sparkle was bred twice a year. (“She’s a tired old whore, like us,” I said.) She entered the rescue system when authorities raided the place and plucked her and 15 others from the squalor. According to the rescue rep, it was the second time they’d shut the breeder down. Sparkle spent the next year in foster care as other dogs came and went.

Meeting her now, you’d never guess at her grim past. She’s a happy little thing, amazingly playful for an eight-year-old. Completely self-assured, she stands sentinel at the window, warding off people, other dogs, and squirrels with fierce growls and barks that belie her 14 pounds. She flirts with every visitor, and Dan says she’s the same on walks. One day it’ll be warm enough for me to see for myself.

So far, Devo’s the only one who hasn’t fully succumbed to Sparkle’s sparkle, but he’s coming along. In the meantime, his appetite is back.


*She's royalty, you know.

Today's Top Stories

Taliban attack Brit troops with explosive donkey

Child burned in bizarre 'redneck flamethrower' incident

Exploding Chewing Gum Blows Off Student's Jaw

From Pyrophile Peg.

Scenes From a Maul

Sketchy Santas

From Emily.

Jacquoff Gift Guide

Good Morning Sir Alarm Clock

Tank Limo Hire

Ferrets Go Fishing 2010 Calendar

"How to be a Man" and "How to be a Woman" Instructional Videos

Manties/Mantyhose

Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura Action Figures

Cheeseburger in a Can

The Worst Christmas Gifts

Thanks to David, Peggy, Melanie, Colleen, Derek, and Riley.

Christmas in Mississippi

From Curt.

Word of the Day

heavage

From Laurie.

Inspect Her Gadget

A friend received the following message today ... and promptly circulated it.

Date: Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 1:11 PM
Subject: Important!

Hi K,

I need to know soon, like today, the name of that device that has the fairly large screen that you move over with your hand...is that a Blackberry?

mom

'What the Freak?'

From the last SNL:

Gossip Girl Staten Island



Underground Festival

Altar Egos

Wedinator

"Trashing Your Special Day Is Our Prime Directive"

From Peggy.

No Amnety

The 50 Best Protest Signs Of 2009

From Emily Woo-Woo-Woolf.

Today's Top Story

James Lipton's beard protects teens' private parts in new PSAs

From Peggy.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's
children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Fran Lebowitz

What the Devil ...

Sign of the Day

Evidently the sport's nut's stole the druggie's' apostrophe.

From David.

Divine Inspiration

From Kristine.

Today's Top Stories

German granny crushed by falling Christmas tree

Alabama woman named Jesus Christ dropped
from jury pool after being disruptive

From Peggy and Riley.

Word of the Day

swaffelen

Source

Olden Girls

I'd watch this.

From Derek and Laurie.

Kate's Secret

6 Videos Celebrating Meredith Baxter on Her Big Gay Day

One minor quibble: Meredith was née Baxter, not Birney. Great collection, though.

From Kristine.

Hot off the Presses

In this photo taken Nov. 23, 2009, residue is seen on the bottom of
an electric iron at the home of Mary Jo Coady in Methuen, Mass. Coady
says an image of Jesus Christ that she sees in the pattern on the bottom
of the iron, which she first noticed a day earlier, has reassured her that
'life is going to be good.' (AP Photo/The Eagle-Tribune, Grant Morris)

From Riley.

Today's Top Story

Palin Issues Thankfulnesses List

(608): i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom

Texts From Last Night

September 1945: University of Hawaii girls chosen by the student body to serve as princesses and queen in annual May Day ceremony. (Eliot Elisofon)

From Florence.

Today's Top Stories

I traced my dad... and discovered he is Charles Manson

SWINE FLEW: God Hits Paula Deen in Face with a Ham

From Alan and Derek.

Cooking for One. Depressing. Add Arsenic.

PoiToi

Six Word Stories

Kicked to the Curb

Seven seasons' worth of vitamin F.

From David.

Thanks a Lot

William S. Burroughs + Gus Van Sant = a memorable Thanksgiving prayer.

From Riley.

Today's Top Stories

Galileo's missing fingers found in jar

Peruvian gang ‘killed victims for their fat
and sold it abroad as anti-wrinkle filler’

Kangaroo tries to disembowl farmer and drown his dog

From Peggy.

Yesterday's News

On her way to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving, a New York friend filed this report:

My deranged neighbor harangued me for quite a while yesterday about stealing her newspaper. The doorman found it in recycling bin, she had read it, thrown it out and forgotten. She was mean and crazy fifteen years ago but now it is very sad although she did tell me to fuck myself.

She also asked me if I was taking the 20th Century Limited to LA and if so I should leave a week ahead since the train took quite some time. I said I was flying and she looked amazed.

'Hark!'

"[B]eing lectured about what constitutes a
traditional marriage by a Mormon is a bit like
being scolded for loitering by a crack whore."

Tasted Like Chicken

The 10 Funniest Missing Pet Signs Of All Time

From Derek.

Outlook

Landscape Photographer of the Year 2009

From Riley.

Today's Top Story

Heavy petting at France's human hamster hotel

From Riley and Peggy.

“What is heroin?” asked Janis, intrigued.

Chris Pollay

Six Word Stories

'We Were Warned'

Holy Nostra-damn-us, Batman!

Pork Project

Fond though I am of bacon, this is a bit hard to swallow.

From Laurie.

Sunday School

From Derek.

Today's Top Stories

Husband with chronic sleep disorder
strangled wife during nightmare

Cannibals nabbed selling corpse to kebab house

From Peggy and Alan.

Bonjour!

Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines,
with Edith Zimmerman

From David.

Key Moments in Child Development

When I think of some of the stupid things I did growing up, it’s a wonder I made it to adulthood. Jumping from high places, exploring storm sewers, playing on construction sites, running wood scraps through the table saw …

I had an extensive key collection, and one day when I was quite young I decided to play keymaker. Lacking the hardware store’s machine, I scanned my room for a substitute, eventually settling on the electrical outlet next to my desk. It didn’t look much like a key cutter, but the slots were perfect.

As I remember, I plied my new trade several times before the inevitable occurred. When it finally did, the shock was as much mental as physical. Here I was, just trying to do my job, when I was savagely attacked by an invisible assailant. What the hell?

I went running to my mother, forgetting momentarily that she wasn’t the coddling type. When she got the details out of me, she said, “Well, what did you expect?”

Stand by Me

A boy and his flag
Why Will won’t pledge.

From Peggy.

Today's Top Stories

Affectionate cat distracts policeman

Pee to help make your garden grow

From Riley.

Johnny Jump Up

Public restrooms are such a gamble.

From Laurie.

Sweet Tart

God, I love Jay Brannan. His new single is characteristically wry and poignant.

How Swede It Is

Flughumor

From Derek.

"The will to be stupid is a very powerful force,
but there are always alternatives."

Lois McMaster Bujold

Word of the Year

unfriend

From Derek and Kay.

Pussies Galore

An Extended Look Inside The Lives Of "Crazy" Cat Ladies

From Kristine, who says: "if i had to choose, i think i would rather be a crack addict. at least that's 'fun.'"

What in the Dickens ...

And you thought your childhood was tough.

From Riley.

Word of the Day

lachanophobia

From Peggy.

Once Around the Living Room

"Homosexuals should be addressed as Mrs. or Miss,
depending on their age."

A Lady's Guide to Throwing a Party

'Never Eat the Water'

Sometimes she gets Careyed away with herself.

From Riley.

One-stop Shop

©2009 Andy King

Bea Mine Forever

Source, via Tabloid Prodigy

Today's Top Story

Placenta Teddy Bear Repulses Many

From Kristine.

Monkids

How did I miss this?


Source

Hello, Neighbors!

19 More Handwritten Signs of LOL

Today's Top Stories

Puppet master? Man's bizarre show
results in criminal charges

A batty tale of oral sex

From Riley.

Splinter Group

Artist creates world landmarks with toothpicks

Don't miss the slide show.

From Pat.

On the Fly

In the diaspora following the Walk to Defeat ALS, a friend texted this:

Just peed next to Al Sharpton. He does not wash his hands after going. Just saying. At airport now. Heading home.

Coming to a Head

The stuff of urban legends.

From Peggy.

White Noise

Paranoia Strikes Deep

[I]f Tea Party Republicans do win big next year, what has already happened in California could happen at the national level. In California, the G.O.P. has essentially shrunk down to a rump party with no interest in actually governing — but that rump remains big enough to prevent anyone else from dealing with the state’s fiscal crisis. If this happens to America as a whole, as it all too easily could, the country could become effectively ungovernable in the midst of an ongoing economic disaster.

From Dan.

Cutups

10 Audacious Amputee Tattoos

From Derek.

Today's Top Story

The girl with two vaginas

I can't believe no one told me about this. It was on "Weekend Update" last night.

T.R.A.A.A.P.D.

One day when I was 15, I was headed somewhere with my mother. We got in the car, which as usual was parked in front of the garage. (I've heard rumors that some people actually put the car in the garage, but I'm skeptical. Where, then, would they keep their towering piles of junk?)

For some reason, she put the car in drive instead of reverse. Luckily, several feet of driveway lay between us and disaster. She hit the brakes, and I burst out laughing.

"That does it!" she snapped. "You're not getting your driver's license."

"Why?" I protested. "I'm not the one who almost plowed through the garage door!"

"No, but you thought it was funny."

I sure did, but not as funny as this.

Today's Top Story

Sauvignon and Slurpees?
7-Eleven launches in-house brand of wine

From Tom.

Guitarist found stroking A minor. Acquitted.

Charlie

Six Word Stories

Knock, Knock

10 jokes about Joe Lieberman & his threat to filibuster
any health care bill which includes a public option

From Terry.

On the Spot

Been there photo competition, October 2009

From Riley.

Today's Top Story

Feeling grumpy 'is good for you'

Those in a bad mood outperformed those who were jolly - they made fewer mistakes and were better communicators.

This bolsters my long-held suspicion that most cheery people are just too dumb to be depressed. Conveniently, it also explains my razor-sharp mind.

From Riley.

Locked doublewide. Fat cats. Owner missing.

Prattle Assassin

Six Word Stories

You Who?

A friend wrote this the other day:

[A]m laughing at my Mom for singing loudly and dancing around to entertain my baby while I loaded groceries into the back of my minivan... only it wasn't MY baby. Identical minivan next to mine with the side door also open to reveal similar-looking baby. Boy, was HIS mom surprised when she looked up from loading her groceries into the trunk.

Which reminded me of two incidents:

1. At a local strip mall one evening, I was sitting in the van while Dan strapped down my chair. (You knew I was into that, right?)
   
   A young girl came running up, then stopped dead. You could see the wheels turning in her cute little head: Wait a minute ... Our van doesn't have a ramp ... or a man in a wheelchair!
   
   Glancing over, I saw a similar red minivan parked just beyond. Standing next to it was the girl's mother, doubled over with laughter.
   
   
2. Long before the wheelchair and the minivan, I was working out one day with my friend Eddie, an inveterate tease and prankster who delighted in making people squirm. Toweling off after the shower, I thought: I'm gonna slap Eddie on the ass. He'll love it.
   
   I swung around and delivered such a perfect blow that a loud crack shot through the room, causing every head to jerk in our direction. My victim turned, surprised ... but not nearly as surprised as I was when I saw he wasn't Eddie.
   
   My jaw dropped open. "Oh my god!" I babbled. "I thought you were Eddie. I thought you were someone else. I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry!"
   
   "Well!" he said, brilliantly deadpan. "Good to meet you, too."
   
   Our audience laughed uproariously as I scurried away, mortified.

Hold Up

You can take these to the bank.

From Kristine.

The Sun Also Rises

The mayor of London has decreed that Westminster Bridge will be closed
in the early afternoon on sunny days due to a strange phenomenon
that occurs when sunlight passes through the balustrade.

From Zana.

Today's Top Stories

Nudity, Hot Pepper Headaches
Among Kooky Reasons for Missing Work

Transsexual Jesus sparks protests

From Riley.

(312): It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free

Texts From Last Night

Look Who's Talking

I say.

From Derek.

Life Lessons

30 Dumb Inventions

From Peggy.

Simple Pleasures

1000 Awesome things

From Kristine.

Today's Top Story

Will the Duggars Inherit the Earth?

From Terry.

Small Worlds

Wee Planets by Alexandre Duret-Lutz

From Peggy.

Kiss and Tell

From a friend:

i am staying at the w hotel in new orleans for work. it is also voodoo music fest weekend. i drank some wine (by myself, like a loser) at the hotel bar to console my over-worked ass (and all of my work friends arrive tomorrow, so i am all sad and alone) and sat next to some rocker dude who looked obviously rich and famous but could have been joe perry for all i knew. then i saw the unmistakable gene simmons and realized that i was (quietly and unassumingly) "partying" with kiss.

they scared the shit out of me when i was a kid.

gene simmons is just as ugly in real life as you would think.

i texted [my husband] and he told me not to sleep with them. um, no probs.

Later she added:

they were hanging out with women 30 years younger (who had on rings - i looked) or at least had good plastic surgery. some guy was taking cell phone photos, with permission, of gene simmons' shoes and jeans pockets (weird). i was in no mood - i pretended i didn't give a shit. which i actually didn't. good enough to email my friends about, not good enough to actually talk to them. what was i supposed to say? "um, i, also, want to rock and roll all night, and party every day, but i have an annoying job, which is why i am here in a business suit drinking wine at a hotel bar with my blackberry on a friday night"?

Today's Top Story

They make their mark in mug shot history

From Marty.

Captain Hook picks nose. Blood everywhere!

Brice

Six Word Stories

Fall Break

Readers' gallery: autumn arrives

From Riley.

Today's Top Story

Sandra Bullock in custody battle with porn star

From Riley.

Word of the Day

earworm

From Peggy.

Problem Solved

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume
For Your Effeminate Son

Today's Top Story

Naked Aussie falls asleep in wrong hotel room

From Derek.

Indifferent Strokes

Years ago, we had a pair of goldfish that we named after Dan's parents: Lud and Darlene Iglfish. We thought it was a cute little tribute, but one of the namesakes felt less than honored.

"I'm going to get a couple of cheap pets and name them after you," she huffed.

We decided not to tell them when one of Lud's eyeballs fell out, leaving a spooky little porthole with a view of his brain. It was a disturbing sight, but you just had to look. Again and again. Darlene had developed a voracious appetite and grown much larger than her mate, and I could never shake the suspicion that she'd eaten his eye.

Lud died at some point, and Darlene never looked back. The merry widow just kept eating and growing. By the time we left California, she looked like a small koi.

Taken in by friends, Darlene was still alive years later when Dan went back for a visit (to the friends, not the fish). She was grotesque by then, a side-swimming monster covered with tumors. Her sight was gone, but not her appetite: she'd circle the tank with her mouth gaping open, hoping to suck in some food. Plus ça change ...

F.A.O. Warped

In plenty of time for the holidays, great gift ideas for girls and boys.

Tattoops

20 Tattoos You Don’t Want To Get (If You’re A Girl)

20 Tattoos You Don’t Want To Get (If You’re A Guy)

From Alan.